Like jokes
Why are orphanages like dogs?
Because they get adopted.
A drunk walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar and says, "Bartender, I want to buy that douchebag a drink."
The bartender says, "You can't talk like that! This is a respectable establishment, I'm going to throw you out!"
The drunk says, "Okay, I'm sorry. I'd like to buy the lady a drink."
The bartender goes to where the woman is sitting and says, "The, ah, gentleman at the end of the bar would like to buy you a drink, what will it be?"
She says, "Vinegar and water."
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When you throw paper at a hill, you can say, "Hey, look, it is like Kobe's helicopter!"
Brother: Your eyebrows look hella bad.
Sister: I don’t even think you know what eyebrows are supposed to look like because you have none.
Logic fire bars in Fortnite sped up to sound like he [is a] chipmunk like Alvin, Simon, and Theodore :)
Why do many New Yorkers like watching Spider-Man?
Because he’s always on the webcast.
What is the difference between a priest and a doctor?
The doctor doesn't like to give physicals.
Little Johnny was eating dinner with his family. His mother went around the table and asked, "Mark, what would you like to eat?" Mark said, "I'd like some fucking potatoes." *SMACK*! Mother slapped Mark. She then asked Suzie, "What would you like to eat?" "Well, I'd like some fucking potatoes," said Suzie. *SMAACK*! She slapped Suzie. "Okay, Johnny, what would you like to eat?" "Well.... I sure as hell don't want no fucking potatoes."
Why don't Bald Eagles like fast food? It always runs away!
Wood fired pizza?
How's pizza gonna pay child support now?! :O
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Look, I didn't hit rock bottom. I gracefully floated down there like Mary Poppins with an umbrella.
Dinosaurs be like:
".......My friends are dead, like bruhhh."
What did the cop say to the muslim breaking the law?
"That's against th-Allah (read like da-law)."
Your mom is a transgender, your dad took a wrong turn just like his gender, your brother is just gay.
Depression is like therapy; the more you see it, the more you get used to it.
Zozo the hobo is single like a Pringle.
Single like a Pringle, and he loves Pringle's, get it?
Looks like depression got the best of me! Don’t worry, I’m already going under.
Tim and Tom were at work. Tim said, "I'm sick of this. I'm going to act like an idiot to get sent home." So Tim was on the roof saying, "I am a light bulb!" The boss walked in and said, "Tim, go home, you're acting like a dick!" Then Tom started packing up and Tim said, "Tom, why are you packing up?" Tom says, "I can't work in the fucking dark, can I?"
Orphan: I want to be like Batman.
Orphan worker: You are already like him, honey.