Light jokes

How do you make a cat say woof? You cover it in petrol and light a match.

Why are Elmo’s jealous of lights?

Lights are hanging.

What's the fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people?

Just switch off the lights.

What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.

How many Senators fans does it take to change a light bulb?

All 3 of them.

Hockey for life!

Where did little billy go when he was stuck in a minefield... everywhere.

That joke was pretty dark, but it got pretty light for a second.

If you think vanilla and chocolate ice cream is just light and dark mode.

Q: What did the stop light say to the other stop light?

A: Stop looking, I’m changing!

If I don't get a bf by the end of this month, Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging from the roof.

How many emos does it take to fix a light?

I don't know because they never came down.

What do you find at the end of a rainbow?

Answer: W.

I'd make a joke about epilepsy, but the computer started flashing.

Q: How heavy is a photon?

A: It's light!

So, a mom and a dad take their son to a therapist.

“What seems to be the problem?” the therapist asked.

“Our son thinks he’s a refrigerator!” they said.

So the therapist replies, “Oh dear, that must be a problem.”

“Yeah, he sleeps with his mouth open, and the light is really bright.”

Once there was this kid that wanted to shower with his dad, so his dad said yes. Then he asked, "What is that?" and his dad said it's a chow chow train.

The next day, he wanted to shower with his mom, so she said yes. He asked again, "What is that?" and she said it was a tunnel with light.

The same day, he wanted to sleep with them, and they said yes.

In the middle of the night, he woke up and told his mom to turn on the light because the chow chow train is going in.

Kid's uncle: "Your mum said you can have your friends round tonight! But I'm gonna have to baby sit today."

Kid: "OK THANK YOU."

(AT BED TIME)

Kid: "Please may you stop touching my leg BEN!"

Ben: "I'm not."

(Turns light on) Kid: "UNCLEEEEE STOP SPILLING MILK OVER ME!!!"

Why is the sun so attractive? Because it is burning hot!

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."

Why are Chinese so good at jaywalking? Cause they can't tell the difference between green and red light with their tiny eyes.

Why did tube date electricity? Because he would light up when she touched him.