Light jokes

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they just sit in the dark and cry.

The double slit experiment shows light particles are a wave that assemble in your presence. And you didn't even have to say a word!

I threw a lamp at an emo kid and told him to lighten the f*ck up.

Your mom is so fat that when God said, "Let there be light," he asked your mom to move out of the way.

Are you a red light? Because I stop every time I see you.

Your smile is so nice that the moon shines off them.

Me and Jesus are really close; he even turns the light on for me when I go pee in the middle of the night. Well, that is what I thought until the fridge was wet.

VOTING QUARTERFINAL 1: LIKE: When the school shooter is about to leave your classroom and the autistic kid's sketchers light up.

DISLIKE: When the school shooter finds you and you think you're gonna die, but he remembers the time you gave him a pen. 🖌

Vote for the better joke!

If you give a man a match, he is warm for the night, but if you light a man on fire, he will be warm for the rest of his life. :)

How do you make the world’s greatest Harlem Shake?

Throw a flashbang into a room full of epileptics.

Kate: Can we have a threesome?

Trevor: Sure.

The lights go off and Trevor starts doing what he's supposed to be doing, and then he feels something going up his back end. He goes to punch the person behind him, but then he turns on the light, and it was Kate behind him, and he's been fucking the guy the whole time.

Why is the penis so light?

Because even thots can lift them.

What’s the easiest way to make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail—it’ll be delighted!

1.) What’s yellow and can’t swim?

- A bus full of children.

2.) Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy?

- He died of a yeast infection.

3.) I will never forget my grandad’s last words...

- “You’re still holding the ladder, right?”

4.) I have a fish that can breakdance...

- Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.

5.) Give a man a match and he will be warm for a few hours...

- Light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

VOTING FINAL This vote is for the best School Shooter joke of the month.

LIKE: When the school shooter is about to leave your classroom and the autistic kid’s sketchers light up.

DISLIKE: When you’re playing dead and the school shooter starts unbuckling his belt and you hear him say “This boy always had a fat ass”.

Vote for the better joke and the Joke of the Month will be announced in the comments tomorrow.

There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night, they decide they don't like living in an asylum anymore. They decide they're going to escape!

So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn't dare make the leap. You see... You see, he's afraid of falling.

So then, the first guy has an idea... He says "Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!" B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... He says "Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!"

What's the fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people?

Just switch off the lights.

How do you make a cat say woof? You cover it in petrol and light a match.

Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.

Why are Elmo’s jealous of lights?

Lights are hanging.