What do you call a disabled kid's sweat?
VEGETABLE OIL!
Life Jokes
You know I wish life was shorter?
I want it over.
I'd tell a bad baby joke, but I decided to abort.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Q. What's the best part of living in Alabama?
A. Not having to change your last name when you get married.
What song do you play at a emo kid's funeral?
House of Pain—"Jump Around."
Did you hear about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.
Why don't you have a life?
Because you're ugly.
My girlfriend really wants me to get her pregnant so she would have a father figure in her life for once.
Your mom is so dumb that somebody told her, "Go get a life," so she went to play Super Mario and got a 1-up.
I found a book called "How to Solve 50% of Your Problems." So I bought 2.
Two Italian men get on a bus.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light.
What record did Obama prove during his presidency?
No matter how far a brotha gets in life, he'll still be in government housing.
I got written up on "Take Your Daughter To Work Day." Apparently, it only applies to daughters who are alive.
Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
Do you want to give your life to God and be in Heaven?
A man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world.
Doctor says: "Treatment is simple. The great clown - Pagliacci - is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up."
Man bursts into tears, says "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."
What are the three worst years of a black child's life?
First grade!
My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says, "You’re next!"
When we attend a funeral, I say, "You’re next!"