Life jokes
Your mom is so dumb that somebody told her, "Go get a life," so she went to play Super Mario and got a 1-up.
I found a book called "How to Solve 50% of Your Problems." So I bought 2.
Two Italian men get on a bus.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light.
What record did Obama prove during his presidency?
No matter how far a brotha gets in life, he'll still be in government housing.
I got written up on "Take Your Daughter To Work Day." Apparently, it only applies to daughters who are alive.
Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
Do you want to give your life to God and be in Heaven?
A man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world.
Doctor says: "Treatment is simple. The great clown - Pagliacci - is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up."
Man bursts into tears, says "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."
What are the three worst years of a black child's life?
First grade!
My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says, "You’re next!"
When we attend a funeral, I say, "You’re next!"
Why did the skydiver's parachute fail?
Because it was made by the same company that made their life decisions.
How long does it take a black woman to take out the trash?
About nine months and a day.
In life, some people have it harder than others.
That's why Viagra exists.
Jill goes home one night with a guy she met at a club. He's tall, super hot, and seems different than most guys she meets. They arrive at his place and head straight to his room. Jill can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears. On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle are medium-sized teddy bears, and finally, on the top are large teddy bears, all lined up beside each other.
She begins to think that he is sentimental and sweet, and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she want to give him the best night of his life. She gives him a blowjob, and lets him really give it to her, and even takes it in the rear! In the morning, she slowly gets dressed, and smiles at him and asks, "How was that?" He nods and says, "Not too fuckin' bad at all. Help yourself to a prize on the second shelf!"
Life is like a penis: women make it hard for no reason.
BlessedBrian's autobiography would be titled "The Adventure of Watching Paint Dry."
I would roast BlessedBrian, but it seems LIFE already did a thorough job.
I’ve seen more life in a trampled garden gnome than in BLESSEDBRIAN’S jokes.
What is common with dark humor and unvaccinated kids?
Neither do ever grow old.