Life jokes
What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?
Gloves!
JK, he hasn't opened it yet.
My life.
Kill me, please.
Have you ever been eight before?
You were between 7 and 9.
Life.
Vladimir Putin is probably a homophobe because he has to go through life with the name of a gay porn star.
There was a man in a wheelchair, and he got knocked out in front of a bus. He had a wheelie good life!
Your life.
I fucked your mom, that's why I've been paying your life support since you were born.
What do you call a person whose heart stopped?
Dead.
Wanna hear a joke?
My life.
Your life.
How do you know if your wife is dead?
Sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
My life.
One time, a cow saved my life.
It was bovine intervention.
What did Earth say to the other planets?
"You guys have no life!"
Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times, and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
The three unwritten rules of life: 1. 2. 3.
Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"
His mother replies, "The stork brings them."
Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, "Then who fucks the stork?"