What does Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?
They both come while you’re asleep.
Law Jokes
My mother-in-law would have been on one of the planes that crashed on 9/11.
Had I known in advance, I would have bought her the ticket.
I may not be as "rich" as Donald Trump, but at least I am still allowed to go on holiday to Bali, Niagara Falls, Hong Kong, and the Pyramids of Giza.
Orange Jesus can't travel to these places because these places cannot grant entry to felons.
...ah, who am I kidding? It's likely that Trump is going to prison, anyway.
Why are Republicans supporting giving felons the right to vote?
Because their own personal jeebus is a felon!
Why is Donald Trump so desperate to break into the White House?
Most landlords cannot lease their properties to him due to the fact that he is a felon.
A rapist, pedophile, and a priest walk into a bar.
He orders a beer.
Why did the chair file a restraining order?
The booty wouldn't stop cracking up!
If someone made a comedy routine about Terri Schiavo, would that be considered roasting a vegetable?
It's a little known fact that Helen Keller was against teaching deaf people sign language and thought they should be forced to use oral language.
Weird.
Last time I forced somebody into oral, I got arrested.
What’s a priest's favorite sport?
Golf, because most of the holes are less than 18.
I just prevented an 11-year-old from getting assaulted.
I decided to go home.
Why do asses make the best detectives?
They always crack the case!
When cops say you have the right to remain silent,
You're just happy you have the right to do something.
What do you call an ass that’s a DETECTIVE?
An undercover pooper.
How does the cop respond to being called racist?
He said, "How can I be racist? My wife's eyes [are] black."
My father told me to always carry a women's bag, but I don't know why he called the cops on me when I helped Mom's bag when we went parachuting. :(
Why don't rappers ever become bankers?
Because they always break the BARS!
I found Jeffrey Epstein’s diary the other day.
The last entry was about 12 years old.
Kelly Clarkson and Ian Watkins of the Lostprophets both walk into a bar. The bartender asked, "Hitting on some 2-year-olds today?" It may have been an innocuous question, if it weren't for the fact that the bartender is Chris Hansen.
What is a necrophiliac's safe word?
"I'm alive!"
