You go up to a bar and say, "Hi." He doesnβt look at you. You keep saying, "Hi." He says, "What?" Then you realize that he is the one that you stole his lady from, but then he doesnβt give you any drink. You say, "Why?" He screams at you and then says, "YOU'RE FIVE!"
What does a mother fear most?
Hearing "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!" for 5 different men.
For someone to be stealing a bag of gold in Heaven, [they are] a criminal on Earth and [in] Heaven.
If there are 4 Mexicans in a van, which of them is driving?
None of them. Immigration service is.
I looked up how fast cum shoots and it said 28 mph. That means that ejaculation is illegal in school zones!
What does the sign say on the hooker house after they were on lockdown?
Answer: "We're on lockdown, get lost pervert."
Joe Biden was once president, but he got arrested because he got caught fingering a minor.
One day a couple was walking when the man stepped on something hard and squishy, then they heard a sound from the bushes. Instead of looking down, they both ran.
Two years later, they turned on the TV to find Ted Bundy on trial. They asked him if he has ever been caught. He said, "No, but a couple was walking as soon as I killed a girl. I jumped into a bush. They didn't know I was there, but the man stepped on the dead body but didn't look down, then he and his girlfriend ran."
Why are there no guns in China? They might do some "ting wong!"
My friend told me to beat that pussy up... so why is the local animal control at my door?
When you run over a speed bump in a school zone and you remember that there are no speed bumps.
I went to the local butcher's and asked him what happened to his Saturday boy. The butcher replies, "I had to fire him, I found him with his dick in the meat slicer!"
"What did you do with the meat slicer?" I asked.
The butcher says, "I had to fire her too!"
Alternative punchline:
"I had to call social services, she was only 14."
What is the difference between a hoe's birth Daddy and her pimp Daddy?
The first daddy plants the seed in a cunt, and the second reaps the harvest from the cunt.
Why can orphans get away from the FBI?
Because they don't have a house.
Why do homeless people commit crimes?
They get a bed in jail.
When a kid says, "I'm a pedophile," it means that he has a crush on one of his classmates.
When an adult says it, he is accused as a rapper.
Why is it painful to have your attorney with you in the hospital?
The damages are severe.
A woman has been raped by a man. She calls the police, and a policeman shows up.
Woman: "Please help, officer! I have been raped!"
Officer: "No problem, ma'am, I will just unrape you."
Woman: "What? Unrape me? How?"
Officer proceeds to bring back the rapist and forces the woman to rape the rapist back in order to cancel out the initial rape.
A prisoner dug out of prison. He appeared in a playground. He said, "I'm free, I'm free!" A kid said, "So what? I'm four."
A child is determined to burn his home down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm across the mother and stated, βThatβs arson.β
