Man: I must confess, Father.
Priest: What are you here to confess?
Man: I hit my wife and blamed her for what happened to our son.
Priest: And what happened to your son?
Man: He said a man raped him.
Priest: When and where did this happen?
Man: A local church. I don't know which one.
Priest: ...By whom?
Man: A priest, he said. He said the priest had black hair and blue eyes, kind of like you.
Priest: ...Shit
There once was a man who beat his wife, And before he even knew it, he ended her life. His hands were a mess, all red and bloody, He had to find somewhere to hide the body.
Why does the Please Touch Museum sound like "police touch museum?"
Because they gotta watch out for the pedos.
Why don't molestation victims speak up about their trauma? Because it's a touchy topic.
Why can't an orphan be a criminal?
Because they aren't wanted.
I figure it's ok to hit orphans.
What are they gonna do? Go tell their parents?
Your forehead got a restraining order from your hairline.
I lit a retirement home on fire so that all the seniors can be cremated for free.
It's not a hate crime if you don't hate the person.
It's not a war crime if no one's alive to report it.
Why do orphans like robbing banks?
So they can be wanted.
Kid: *runs down the street* HELP ME!
Officer: You OK, kid?
Me: Don't worry! He's my nephew, there was a big spider.
Officer: Oh, OK, ma'am. *walks off*
When officer leaves:
Me: *gets whip* What did I say about leaving the basement?
"It's not a war crime if you win the war."
- Sun Tzu, The Art of War
9 year olds can consent. That’s like 18 divided by 2.
My boss said she would've loved to meet Bill Cosby as a child. I don't get why I'm getting arrested. I was just making sure his dream came true.
Today I put the women’s rights book in the fantasy section of a library.
Did you hear that Michael Jackson once got food poisoning?
He ate 12-year-old nuts.
What’s the difference between a prostitute and a homeless shelter?
You can shit a load inside of a prostitute, but if you try it in a shelter, you get arrested.
A man was raping a woman and thought the year was 1970, and he exclaimed to the judge later that he was her husband.
She got sent to the Asylum for Hysteria.
Wait, what? Was he actually her husband?
He was a Christian, so that actually meant he was AFTER the rape.
Wait, what? The Bible doesn't say that.
Actually yes, it does, and marital rape was legal until 1990.
WAIT WHAT? That's not funny.
I'll tell ya what's funny, that you think the women have nothing to complain about.
What's the difference between a gun and a penis?
The American government does not define you as having the constitutional right to a penis.
