Eagle: "You know why hunting me would be a bad idea?
Because it is ILL-EAGLE!"
A priest, a pedo, and a rapist walk into a bar and that's just the first guy.
You and your mom.
I needed a test on if I'm pregnant. Then the doc said, "Take your pants down." Then he put his penis in my vagina and said, "Now you are pregnant."
I hate double standards.
Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.” Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
I fucked my mom.
How come when women decide to kill their unborn baby it's a "choice"? But when I decide to drive my car into a playground full of children it's called "murder."
Stephen Hawking got an engine swap with a Nissan 350Z, and they said his wheelchair wasn't street legal :/
Why do lawyers use Viagra? To grow taller.
Yo' mama is so stupid, when they said, "Order in the court," she asked for fries and a shake.
@shelby denver is a massive nonce.
My sister was at Sixth Street and someone stepped on her toes and she bled, so she called the police! XD
What do you call the only Trump Supporter to follow his orders to obstruct justice?
Answer: Attorney General William Barr!
Why did I f*** my dad?
So I could have s€x without my mom finding out. Should I not have done that?
Friend: Hey, did you catch that game last night? I did, it was so good! After that I went to Kane’s, because Kane's is amazing! What did you do this weekend? I did-
Me: Dude, are you the Terms and Conditions? Because I don’t give a fuck about what you say.
Here in IHOP, we serve pancakes, not pie cakes. If so, we can always bring in a chart that will power the customer. His smile will remain at its current form, and police surely resisted when I said the word "surely."
Hey, do you know why America sucks? We have the death penalty.
Two hunters are walking in the forest together. Hunter #2 flops down, unconscious, and Hunter #1 dials 911.
Operator: "911, what's your emergency?"
Hunter no. 1: "The other hunter, hunting with me in the woods, fell asleep."
Operator: "Check if he's/she's (not assuming genders) dead."
*Operator hears a distant gunshot*
Hunter no. 1: "What do I do next?"
My life #freemymanrkelly
Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
