Law Enforcement jokes

Yo, hairline been missing so badly that the police had to put up a wanted poster for it!

Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."

What did one copper say to the other? C U.

What does the policeman say to the jumper?

"Hey! Pullover!"

Two priests walk into a store, and cops come up to them and say they’re looking for a child molester, and the priests both say, "I’ll do it!"

"You are under arrest for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia!"

"Wait! I can explain everything!"

A lady runs into a police station and yells, "Help, help! I've been graped!"

A police officer says, "Do you mean raped?"

The girl then replies, "No, there was a bunch of 'em!"

A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.

"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.

"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."

The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"

She said, "Not everybody paid."

What’s a homo police dog?

A gay-9.

What’s one good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in a school zone.

What was the name of Russia's first female traffic cop?

Ivana Pulyova.

A depressed man was caught on top of the Empire State Building with marijuana. Needless to say, he didn't want to come down.

What did the woman do when the armed police officer raped her?

Freeze.

How many white police officers does it take to push an African-American gentleman down the stairs?

Push?! He fell...

I was walking down the streets of Manchester when suddenly I saw Penaldo getting arrested! I heard the officer say, “This time I give you warning, there will be no penalty.”

That’s when Penaldo asked, “No penalty?!” and punched the police officer.

Shame on you Penaldo!

what do you call an autistic police officer? special forces

A policeman just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous! My dogs don’t even own bikes!

What did the policeman say to his belly button?

You're under a vest.

Somebody called the cops for a school shooting, what a snitch!

What's black and white and red all over?

A police brutality case.