Law Enforcement Jokes

Two priests walk into a store, and cops come up to them and say they’re looking for a child molester, and the priests both say, "I’ll do it!"

What does the policeman say to the jumper?

"Hey! Pullover!"

"You are under arrest for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia!"

"Wait! I can explain everything!"

I hate double standards. If you burn a body at a crematorium, you're doing a good job. If you burn a body at home, you're destroying evidence.

A lady runs into a police station and yells, "Help, help! I've been graped!"

A police officer says, "Do you mean raped?"

The girl then replies, "No, there was a bunch of 'em!"

gta v police be like

The image shows a split view. On the left is a screenshot of a character in the video game GTA V standing in front of a car with a city in the background. On the right, there is a real-life image of a police car crashing into another car. The text above the crashed police car reads "PULL OVER", and below it reads "I SAID PULL OVER". The top of the image reads "GTA V police be like".

A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.

"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.

"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."

The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"

She said, "Not everybody paid."

What’s a homo police dog?

A gay-9.

What’s one good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in a school zone.

What was the name of Russia's first female traffic cop?

Ivana Pulyova.

A depressed man was caught on top of the Empire State Building with marijuana. Needless to say, he didn't want to come down.

What did the woman do when the armed police officer raped her?

Freeze.

I was walking down the streets of Manchester when suddenly I saw Penaldo getting arrested! I heard the officer say, “This time I give you warning, there will be no penalty.”

That’s when Penaldo asked, “No penalty?!” and punched the police officer.

Shame on you Penaldo!