Law Enforcement jokes

I called the suicide hotline, and he suggested I draw on myself to distract myself.

I replied I'd get ink poisoning.

Wouldn't recommend, the police came.

Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."

What did one copper say to the other? C U.

Two priests walk into a store, and cops come up to them and say they’re looking for a child molester, and the priests both say, "I’ll do it!"

I don't like consistency. Last night, I spent three hours looking at a room and thinking, "I need a flower pot here, and the couch should be on the right." Eventually, the police arrived and led me away from my neighbor's window.

What does the policeman say to the jumper?

"Hey! Pullover!"

"You are under arrest for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia!"

"Wait! I can explain everything!"

How many white police officers does it take to push an African-American gentleman down the stairs?

Push?! He fell...

A lady runs into a police station and yells, "Help, help! I've been graped!"

A police officer says, "Do you mean raped?"

The girl then replies, "No, there was a bunch of 'em!"

What’s a homo police dog?

A gay-9.

What’s one good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in a school zone.

What was the name of Russia's first female traffic cop?

Ivana Pulyova.

A depressed man was caught on top of the Empire State Building with marijuana. Needless to say, he didn't want to come down.

What did the woman do when the armed police officer raped her?

Freeze.

I was walking down the streets of Manchester when suddenly I saw Penaldo getting arrested! I heard the officer say, “This time I give you warning, there will be no penalty.”

That’s when Penaldo asked, “No penalty?!” and punched the police officer.

Shame on you Penaldo!

what do you call an autistic police officer? special forces

A policeman just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous! My dogs don’t even own bikes!

What did the policeman say to his belly button?

You're under a vest.

Somebody called the cops for a school shooting, what a snitch!

What's black and white and red all over?

A police brutality case.