Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."
I hate double standards. If you burn a body at a crematorium, you're doing a good job. If you burn a body at home, you're destroying evidence.
"You are under arrest for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia!"
"Wait! I can explain everything!"
A lady runs into a police station and yells, "Help, help! I've been graped!"
A police officer says, "Do you mean raped?"
The girl then replies, "No, there was a bunch of 'em!"
A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.
"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.
"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."
The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"
She said, "Not everybody paid."
Whatβs a homo police dog?
A gay-9.
Whatβs one good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in a school zone.
What was the name of Russia's first female traffic cop?
Ivana Pulyova.
A depressed man was caught on top of the Empire State Building with marijuana. Needless to say, he didn't want to come down.
The KGB, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary-General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming.
The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling:
"Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
what do you call an autistic police officer? special forces
A policeman just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. Thatβs ridiculous! My dogs donβt even own bikes!
What did the policeman say to his belly button?
You're under a vest.
Somebody called the cops for a school shooting, what a snitch!
What's black and white and red all over?
A police brutality case.
What did the woman do when the armed police officer raped her?
Freeze.
Why did the teacher get arrested?
He gave the orphan homework!
What did the cops say when someone called him racist?
"How can I be racist? My wife's eye is black."
Why do orphans play GTA so much?
Because they can be wanted for once.
The guard caught one of the fugitives as he tried to escape. All he said was...
"Don't let your guard down."
