Law Enforcement jokes
I don't like consistency. Last night, I spent three hours looking at a room and thinking, "I need a flower pot here, and the couch should be on the right." Eventually, the police arrived and led me away from my neighbor's window.
Ok, I put one penny down. Do you smell anything?
1 scent.
I put two pennies down. Do you see any fruit?
2 pears.
I put three pennies down. Do you see any law enforcement?
3 coppers.
I put four pennies down. Do you see any cars?
4 Lincolns.
I put five pennies down. Do you see any pussies?
NOT FOR 5 CENTS YOU DONT!
I wish I was a policeman, 'cause then I would actually have a gun to shoot myself with.
What was the name of Russia's first female traffic cop?
Ivana Pulyova.
Being a police officer in Nunavut must be so fun. They get to play Cut the Rope on the job all the time!
Today we had the best adventure ever! We started playing in the yard and doing ramps in a party van!
It all started when Timmy and I were playing in the yard and a white rusty van drove up to our yard. A nice man told us to get in. We said we would love to go, but our mommies wouldn't want us to go. The man said your mommies told me it was OK to come.
We hopped in the back and sped away super fast! The man gave us some candy, but Timmy and I were not hungry, so we didn't eat it. We saved it for later. After a while, I was wondering where we were going. I was about to ask the man, but then there was a whooping sound and some flashing blue lights! "Hey they want to party with us!" Timmy yelled over the whooping. "Party van!" I yelled.
Timmy and I started dancing and whooping and the van began driving faster, doing crazy race car stunts, and jumps! Then we noticed the lights and whooping were coming from some cars that were following us. The cars were black and white and said "P O L I C E” on the side.
We started to wave to them, but then the van did a HUGE jump and we flew out of the back of the van to the side of the road into some dirt, but it didn't really hurt that much. The van drove off without us, and I was really sad. Then Timmy told me the dirt was perfect for making mud pies. I was happy again. We played in the dirt awhile, until some people dressed like firefighters found us and brought us home. And then you asked me what happened. "Isn’t that right mommy?"
My uncle is a computer genius! The police even called him a PDF file!
Why are cops worried about drunk drivers and not elderly drivers?
A cement mixer has collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.
"You are under arrest for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia!"
"Wait! I can explain everything!"
what do you call an autistic police officer? special forces
A team of cops and a news reporter are at a home where a violent crime has been committed. The head news reporter, in front of the camera, says, "A woman in this house has killed her husband because he stepped on the floor while she was mopping." He then turns around and asks a cop, "Has the woman been arrested yet?" The cop replies, "Not yet, we're waiting for the floor to dry."
A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"
A policeman once said, "I will never forget 9/11."
I said, "I hope not, that’s your phone number!"
Wanna hear a joke?
Police brutality.
Two priests are pulled over by the police. One priest asks the cop what the reason for pulling them over is. The cop says, "We are looking for two child molesters." The priest look at each other and tell the cop they'll do it.
There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night. The police told us to stay inside until they shot him.
What do retarded cops give tickets for?
Going over 45 in a potato zone.
Why are Muslims not fond of American cops?
Because Muslims don't like pigs!
Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you? But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.