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Last jokes

Post

    • Last post for today, but I had to say one more thing! Tomorrow I am going to Six Flags, and I am literally so excited! It is going to be so much fun. Hope you guys have a good MLK JR. day! Woohooo!

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    • Friend

    • Jesus and his friend went fishing. They both cast their lines out, and both of them get a bite, but Jesus's friend misses and says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus said, "That's a bad sentence to say; if you say it 3 times, something bad will happen to you." They cast it out again, and both get a bite, and Jesus's friend misses again and says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus replied, "If you say that one more time, something bad will happen." They cast out again, and Jesus's friend's line snaps, and he says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus said, "That's the last time something bad will happen." The biggest thunderstorm ever seen appeared, and a lightning bolt struck Jesus, and a voice came from the clouds, "Damn, I missed."

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    • Fly

    • What is the last thing that goes through a fly's head when it hits the windshield?

    Its butt.

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    • Last memes

    Weed

    • Two to the one from the one to the three, I like good pussy and I like good trees, Smoke so much weed you wouldn't believe, And I get more ass than a toilet seat.

    Three to the one from the one to the three, I met a bad bitch last night in the D, Let me tell you how I made her leave with me, Conversation and Hennessey.

    I've been to the motherfuckin' mountain top, Heard motherfuckers talk, seen and dropped, If I ain't got a weapon I'ma pick up a rock, And when I bust yo ass I'ma continue to rock.

    Getcha ass of the wall with your two left feet, It's real easy just follow the beat, Don't let that fine girl pass you by, Look real close 'cause strobe lights blind.

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    • Grandfather

    • Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

    Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."

    Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."

    Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."

    My last thought: Am I a murderer?

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    • Grandfather

    • I can't remember the last full conversation I had with my grandfather.

    Good thing is, since he hit his head, he can't remember either.

    Ball

    • My boyfriend and I were playing baseball last night with some of our friends. Halfway through the game we took a break and he asked me to hold his balls for him whilst he went to the toilet.

    All our friends were shocked when I went into the boys' bathroom with him.

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    • Lie

    • Karien: Don't care. You know what you did.

    Jalie: I don't know what you mean. I did nothing! I'm telling the truth!

    Karien: Sure. So you mean you never texted Oerien last night around 2:00 AM?

    Jalie: NO, I NEVER DID THAT!

    Karien: Jalie, stop the story telling. You were the one who had my phone yesterday. Just stop.

    Penis

    • True Story

    A CO was receiving inmates as they're being recalled from their assigned jobs to prepare for count. An inmate that had passed the officer returned bleeding through his trousers from his crotch. The inmate had an argument with his lover who had told him that he wasn't enough woman for him. As the inmate was bleeding he was crying out, "He doesn't love me anymore!"

    The officer called for medical assistance and went into the assigned cell. He found the severed penis. He fished it out of the toilet and placed it in a plastic bag with ice. He claimed that the medical staff at the hospital could reattach it. He took a ribbing from his fellow officers, because most would've flushed it. I retired and months later saw a fellow officer at the store. As we caught up, I mentioned that the last incident I responded to was 'the severed penis.' The officer tells me that the inmate severed his penis again after it was reattached and flushed it himself.

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