Last jokes

Two men are sitting at a coffee table.

Mike: "I think I might have a drinking problem."

Joe: "Why do you say that?"

Mike: "Well, last week I got so drunk I blew chunks."

Joe: "That's nothing to be ashamed of; we all drink a little too much sometimes."

Mike: "No, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog's name."

I went for my routine check up last week, and everything was going great until the doctor stuck her finger up my butt. Should I look for a new dentist?

I will never forget my grandfather's last words:

"Can you hold the ladder correctly, damn it!"

Why is Megan a down?

Because her last name is Downy.

109 countries can't be wrong. Watch Europa: The Last Battle.

Someone complimented me on my driving last week. They left a note saying, "Parking Fine!"

One day Little Johnny’s class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?” Little Mary says, “The teacher is very intelligent.” The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?” Little Suzie says, “They are very fashionable.” The teacher says, “Johnny, why don’t you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence.” Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy, ‘Darling, how does my dick taste?’”

It's weird how Stephen Hawking's last name sounds like "walking and talking," but he could not do either of those!

I will remember my brother's last words: if you can't put a fork in a toaster, how about a spoon?

You guys, this is my last time publishing something here. You guys have been sending rude comments, and I need to work on my mental health. Goodbye.

My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!

It's not my birthday, but a scary-looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house.

My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10. Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9! That's the best I've done so far.

You're so skinny you're a thin stick.

You're so fat that when you got in Pacific Ocean, you became the Pacific Ocean.

You're so ugly you got stuff for free.

You're so nasty that when you eat spaghetti, you thought it was throw up.

You're so fat you're the fattest person on Earth.

You are so gay you kissed the boy last night.

Why did Hitler lose the war?

Because Göring ate every last airplane, tank, artillery, ship, and ammunition!

The last words from a depressive person are: "I finally see a train!"

Do you remember what Bruce Willis' last movies were?

Neither does he.

Nothing lasts long these days!

As Confucius says, "Hare today, gone tomorrow!"

A woman walks into a dentist's office, sits on the counter, and spreads her legs.

The dentist says, "I think you have the wrong idea with that." The woman replies, "Last week you gave my husband his false teeth; now you can get them out."

Why did the roach talk to the man? To die.