My last relationship ended because my ex-girlfriend accused me of being a rapist. I'm not upset. To be honest, I didn't like her anyway. She kept telling me I never listen, or something like that.
I tried to find my watch I lost last week, but I didn't have the time.
*At A Funeral For Someone Who Jumped Off A Building* Victim's Mom: "I wonder what was the last thing that went through his head..."
Me: "Honestly... Probably his ass."
For one of the most highly regarded minds on the planet, it is a shame he could not create a longer-lasting battery.
A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of ten dollar bills, so he asks the bartender if it's a jar of tips. The bartender says no, it's for a bet. So the man asks what the bet is and the bartender says, "Well, if you put ten dollars into the jar then knock out the bouncer, next you go outside and remove a rotten tooth out of the rottweiler's mouth, and last you go upstairs and give an orgasm to the fat lady who has never had one. If you can do all those things then you get everything in the jar as well as free drinks for the month." So the guy puts in ten dollars, turns to the guy next to him and knocks him out with one punch. Then the guy continues outside, all you hear for an hour is screaming and whining from the dog. When all is silent, the man walks in and asks, "So where is the fat lady with the tooth?"
Last year, got kicked out of the Hospital for telling covid patients to stay positive
i shouted at a kid I told him to get his parents
it was the last time I worked at an orphanage ,🤣
My friend fell on the Nile river and Egypt last week.
He swears by it, but he’s in denial.
Jo Mama is so fat, I left her printing last year, and she is still printing!
I remember last year all these bitches called me lame so I stopped the simping and pretended I was gay, now I think they're all fucking with me.
I'm an LGBTQ imposter got cut last year know I've made the roster and you may think I'm a monster. I'm just just tryna see some titties.
The last thing I said to my dog was,
"Play dead."
Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump?
Because orange is the new black.
What were Paul Walker's last words?
I dk probably "WATCH THE FUCKING TREE!"
Everything is now so expensive in Africa that witches don’t serve food in dreams again. Am I lying? Okay, when last did you eat in your dreams?
Gen Z is most likely going to be the last generation who felt the pain of getting up early to catch their favorite show.
If I could make someone tell me their last words, they'd say, "Make me."
Q. What's the best part of living in Alabama?
A. Not having to change your last name when you get married.
I still remember my dad's last words: "Don't worry son, Allah will be pleased."
Child: Hello, I can’t find my dad.
Stranger: Oh, well when and where did you last see him?
Child: Oh, I remember, 5 years ago he went to get some milk here.
I come in from work to see my wife dead on the sofa. As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of a dick fuck does that!
