Last jokes
They say if Viagra lasts more than four hours, call the doctor? I’m just wondering, it’s been six hours and I’m still hard, should I call the doctor or hop on another woman?
When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug.
His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
I will remember my classmate's last words: "Ahh, my pen's ink spilled on my computer!"
It's weird how Stephen Hawking's last name sounds like "walking and talking," but he could not do either of those!
At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me.
On a related note, I suck at darts.
What's the difference between a wanted person and a wanted handicapped person? The handicapped person wasn’t last seen on foot.
How did pioneers name Canada?
They put a bunch of letters in a hat and pulled out three. The first one was "C, eh?" The second one was "N, eh?" The last letter was "D, eh?"
That's how they named "C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?"
Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
Why are people in Japan so thin?
Because it didn't end well the last time a Fat Man was there.
Last time I got caught stealing a calendar, I got 12 months.
Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas, and it's still printing.
Once my twin brother died from a plane crash. His last words were, "If it's a bomb, I'll give it a 9/11."
Why do black people only have nightmares?
Because the last one to have a dream got shot. (Martin Luther King joke)
It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Violets are blue, roses are red.
Last night your mom was giving me head.
Q: What were my son's last words before he died?
A: "Bye, Dad, I am going to school."
Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."
My grandpa's last words before he died in Vietnam were, "What the fuck did I step on?"
I was crying at school and telling my friends that my grandpa died. Then I told them I still remember his last words. They wanted to hear them. They are: "you still holding the ladder?"
The CCP have managed to achieve in making Covid last longer than the Great Wall of China.