Language jokes

My wife called me a pedophile. That is a big word for a 2 year old.

I tried out some puns to make people laugh, but no pun in ten did.

Sayo-nara.

GOTTVERDAMMT, Hans! I said, "Glass of juice," not "Gas the Jews!"

How many beans are there in Irish chili?

Answer: 239

Why are there two hundred and thirty-nine?

Answer: (spoken in Irish Brogues) Because if you add one more, it'd be "two farty."

"Baaad boy."

Dick.

What do you call a bitch? A dumbass, hahahahaha.

Spell "I cup..." "I see you pee!"

Bruh, don't be punny.

What is the difference between a book and a Mexican?

One has papers.

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

Me: What has two legs and bleeds?

Friend: Um, women? Obviously?

Me: Actually, half a dog. So you're still right.

What’s the Difference Between a Cat and a Comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws, and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

I called the Chinese takeaway yesterday. A man picked up the phone and said: "Hello! I am Wan Kin, the chef." I said that I'll come back later.

Uremn es abarancin yngnumma gety asuma qshi tun?

Me: What are you?

Jake: A muddeasso.

How do you say "nose" in Spanish?

hmm.... No sé.

OK, OK, eat your shirt.

Is someone who is tardy again actually "retardy"?