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Little Johnny was told by his friend that if you go to your parents and say: "I know the truth," they give you money.

So Little Johnny says to his mum, "I know the truth," so his mum hands him 20 dollars and tells him not to tell anyone. So when Little Johnny’s dad gets home, Little Johnny says, "I know the truth." His dad hands him $50 and says not to tell anyone. So Little Johnny tries it on the postman and says, "I know the truth," and the postman says, "Come here, son."

How many emos does it take to fix a light?

I don't know because they never came down.

I lost my job by giving up my seat to someone.

I didn't know you're not supposed to do that if you're a bus driver!

Me: "What's the difference between an apple and an emo?"

Friend: "I don't know."

Me: An apple actually falls from the tree.

Kid 1: Guys, stop making 9/11 jokes. My dad died in 9/11.

Kid 2: Sorry, I didn't know.

Kid 1: He was the best fighter pilot in all of Saudi Arabia.

You know the Twin Towers employees were supposed to meet a good football team. Instead, they just met the Jets.

Just letting you know if people cry when they see you, that doesn't mean they miss you. That means they're scared of your onion breath.

Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: I don't know, there are twenty in my basement, and my basement light still isn't fixed.

How do you know you are blessed by God?

You don’t laugh at, make light of, or enjoy the evils and suffering people are inflicting on themselves and upon each other.

You know what the difference between Kobe Bryant and Russell Westbrook is?

He wears 0 and Kobe has 0 lives left.