Know-how jokes

My infant drew on the walls today, but I don’t know how to punish them. So I think I’ll sleep on it.

Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."

Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."

Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."

My last thought: Am I a murderer?

Do you know how Chinese people roast? They say, "Boy, if you don't get your chi chong head, boy!"

You know how many people said, "This ship will never sink?"

They jinxed it by saying "never sink."

Friend: You know how I like my women like my coffee... hot.

Me: What if you don't like coffee? :(

My teacher told me, "You have no idea how powerful this quote is." I looked at her and told her, "You don't know how powerful the shotgun in my bookbag is."

Wanna know how I got away from Iraq? Iran.

So, the sea is on a computer but doesn't know how to search, so the computer said to the sea, "Search!"

Do you get it? SEArch.

Anyone know how to get an A on the "An Inspector Calls" section of the GCSE paper?

You know the difference between happy tailgaters and angry tailgaters?

Happy tailgaters know how to throw a party.

So you know how sheets are always so tight at hotels?

Well I looked under the bed and there is a freaking room cleaner holding the sheets. All he says is "Don't ask or you shall die!"

Why did the chicken cross the road? Who gives a shit? I wanna know how it got the car started!

Do you know how diarrhea is common in families? Because it runs in your genes.

The sky never changes color, but when it does, we know how your breath is increasing.

How does a fish always know how much they weigh? -- Because they have their own scales.

A cop stopped a guy for speeding.

He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.

The cop said, "But there is no traffic."

And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."