Know-how jokes

You know how 6 is afraid of 7 because 7 8 9? Well, 10 is afraid because he was in the middle of 9/11.

My wife wanted a boob job. I told her it was too expensive.

I told her all she has to do is take some toilet paper and rub it in between her boobs for a few days, and they would get bigger. She asked, "How is that supposed to work?"

I replied, "I don't know how it works, but it did a heck of a job on your ass!"

Do you know how a dragon is? You don't know who? It's dragging these 2-liter balls across your pathetic face and slamming it into a f*cking dumpster you regret.

Do you know how I lost my music teacher job?

I tried to hit G by putting D.

You know how in the movie, "Nightmare Before Christmas," they say they're making Christmas?

I thought Mary and Joseph did, but okay.

My wife caught me one day for watching a porn channel, so I quickly turned the TV to a fishing channel. On her way out, she said: "You should stay on the porn channel. You know how to fish!"

A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd-shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.

As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"

Me: I know how to use a microwave!

Also me: Mom! The microwave is on fire!

Me: Hey! Do you know how to tie a knot?

Person: Yea, why?

Me: Cause I need help tying this noose :)

A women's knitters group is having a meeting, and they are all pregnant. They all talk about their pregnancies.

One woman says, "I'm taking vitamin C so my baby has a healthy immune system."

Another knitter says, "I'm taking folic acid to help my baby's brain."

Finally, one woman says, "I'm taking Thalidomide!"

All the women turn to her and say, "Thalidomide! Don't you know your baby could be born without arms?"

The woman shrugs her shoulders and says, "I don't know how to knit arms."

Do you know how to make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

Woman: What’s a good comeback for my sexist husband when he tells me to go make him a sandwich?

Husband: I know! How about you COMEBACK with a goddamn sandwich?

It's funny dating someone smarter than you. My girlfriend knows how to push my buttons but never takes into account what a dick I can be if need be. Let me explain. Say, for example, she calls me retarded, I remind her that she's dating me.

What’s the difference between me and Chester Bennington?

I know how to use an exercise band.

Man and woman are having a discussion. The woman looks into the man's eyes and says, "Honey, you know how I like it when you walk up and stick it in . . . "

". . . but I love it when Bob walks up and sticks it in!"

Divorce is scheduled for next month.

You know how on Snapchat "hmu" means hit me up? A school posted "smu." Nikolas Cruz responded.

What do you call Dominos when it doesn't know how to cook pizza?

Domi-don't-knows...

You know how we all have different sides? Well, I have a suicidal side. (Here a bang in the next room.) Oh well, not anymore :)

Poipole walks into a bar and says “poipoipoipoi.”

The bartender says, “Sorry, but in order to get takeout, you have to know how to speak a foreign language.” Poipole says “Pika!”

You know how to get 10,000 followers? Run through Africa with a bottle of water.