What's black, white, and red all over? A penguin in a blender.
What's all fuzzy, warm, and laughing? The person who snapped its neck and put it into the blender.
Where did the cake sleep on the stove?
In a pan.
Why did the tomato go red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
Why did the chef cook his eggs on the golf course? Because he wanted them par-boiled!
What's red and bubbly and scratches at the microwave glass?
A baby in the microwave!
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that, as a punishment, she won't eat butter for 1 month.
Today I saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her "nice try".
My dishwasher is broke.