I like my bread how I like my wife: cold and stiff.
Julius Caesar is Roman? More like romaine (salad), and to make the best salad, you stab it 23 times until the Caesar salad, romaine salad, is fresh.
There was a dude. He had a mondo dong.
His wife was like, "Yo, where are your balls?"
The dude says he left them in the fridge. His wife replies, "I knew those meatballs tasted weird!"
How many line cooks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three. One to do it, and two to say that they did it better at the previous restaurant they were at.
I'm like a broken refrigerator, cool but broken inside.
I told my mum the refrigerator was running, so she got dressed and ran after it...
How do you fit a baby in a bowl? ... A blender... and how do you get it out?
Tortilla chips.
There was a race between Lettuce, a faucet, and Ketchup. The lettuce was a-head, the faucet was still running, and the ketchup was trying to ketchup.
Why are all women's feet small? So they can stand closer to the stove.
Men, get into the kitchen and make me a sandwich!
Women, go chop some lumber!
White people, get back into the cotton fields!
The other day my wife said, "Take me someplace I have never been before!" I said, "Why don't you try the kitchen?"
Say "toast" three times. Spell "toast" three times. What do you put in a toaster? The answer?
It was 7:00 a.m. when Billy ran downstairs after a long night of sleep. He got to the kitchen where his mother and father sat. "What would you like for breakfast?" Billy's mom asked politely. Billy replied with, "Whatever Dad gave you last night in your bedroom would be great! You seemed to like it very much!"
Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."
Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."
Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."
My last thought: Am I a murderer?
Today I saw my son lick out a tub of butter. I told him to make a sandwich without butter for a week (as a punishment). He said, "Okay," and licked the bread. "It's really easy to spread," he said. LOL!
Bitch wanna make me a sandwich?
If a man drove over a woman, whose fault was it?
The man, because he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.
What's black, white, and red all over? A penguin in a blender.
What's all fuzzy, warm, and laughing? The person who snapped its neck and put it into the blender.
Can you drive a pizza? Of course, as long as you change the olive oil.
Where did the cake sleep on the stove?
In a pan.
