Kid jokes
I ran into a kid today. Now I'm in jail and I lost my driver's license.
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Are you a school? 'Cause I wanna shoot kids in you.
Why couldn't the kid play on his laptop?
Because he has no arms and no laptop and no legs and no head and no home and no money and got shot.
It doesn’t make much sense why autistic kids run down the hall screaming racecar noises.
I mean, they aren’t in wheelchairs, so I don’t know why they do it.
Oh, Lois, that was more scary than Michael Jackson without pants in front of a kid!
Why do emo kids not jump?
They're still in the sky.
Why do emo kids not run? Because their bodies will tear apart from the bones from all the cuts.
Why did the pirate kids ride the short bus to school?
Because they were retarrrrrrrrrded.
I kicked a soccer ball at a kid in a wheelchair and said, "Rocket League!"
Inmate 1: Why are you in prison?
Inmate 2: I killed 4 people and robbed someone, what about you?
Inmate 1: I blew up a school bus.
Inmate 2: OMG, you demon! Were they autistic?
Inmate 1: No, they were Fortnite kids.
Inmate 2 (who is Muslim): Halelouia, we have found the messiah!
When a cat gets a sibling, do they say, "Oh, shit! Another mew kid?!?!?!"
Orphanage kid: You’re ugly!
Kid with mother: Your mom!
"It never gets old."
"Just like a sick kid!"
What does milk and a kid with cancer have in common?
An expiration date.
What game is for kids? Uno.
I'm pretty socially awkward when talking to girls, so I watched a video on how to keep conversations going.
The guy said to try and find things that remind you of something else and talk about that. For example, "that oak tree over there reminds me of the one we used to climb in my backyard as a kid. It used to be so much fun... and so on."
So next time I was having a conversation with a girl, I saw a red truck. So I said, "that red truck reminds me of the time my house burned down when I was 6." She said, "oh, and the fire trucks came to your house?" And I said, "no, I was getting molested in a red truck when my house burned down."
My friend Richard is always bullying all the little kids in the neighborhood. He is such a dick.
A white dad, a priest, and a rabbi all run out a burning school, and the dad says, “What about the kids?” and the rabbi replies to him saying, “Fuck the kids,” and the priest says, “Think we got enough time?”
So, every time I walk in the door, my kid shuts his laptop. So, I check his history. It was good, but my wife checked mine, and she didn't say the same. The words I heard were, "Get out!"