Kid jokes
My wife left me yesterday.
I haven't talked to the kids in a year.
Me: punching a kid.
My FBI agent: You're adopted.
You really can't call Stalin bad, just think about the kids that depression.
One day, the teacher asks a boy, "Why can't fish talk underwater?"
The kid says, "If I put your head underwater, will you be able to talk?"
What do you call an emo kid's suicide live stream?
America's funniest home videos.
Why did the fire not burn the kid? Because it had no lips.
What was Stephen Hawking's favorite toy as a kid?
Hot Wheels.
Kid: Aye, Mum, I'mma do something Dad could never do.
Mum: And that is?
*Kid walks out.*
*Kid comes back in with milk.*
Mum: I'mma beat ya ass!
Mom: They say our kid neighbor has blue blood.
Son: Really?
Also 2 hours later:
Son: Mom, the kid doesn't have blue blood.
Mom: Son, I-
What does a bullied kid say during a game of Kahoot?
"I'd like to Kahoot up this school."
I eat kids.
I came home from school one day and told my cat a kid at school said I was an idiot and told me to go kick rocks, so I did, except I kicked him, not the rocks, and I called him the idiot for not moving out of the way.
Dad: What do you call a crazy creeper?
Mom: Shit, I don't know...
Kid: Crrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Dad: That's my boy's!!!
So, two kids argued and insulted each other.
KID 1: "Your dad left because he didn't want you, so why don't you kill yourself?"
KID 2: "Well, your dad already killed himself because he didn't want you."
What do Catholic priests and school shooters have in common?
They both like to dump their loads into little kids.
What do you get when you cross an adopted kid with a river?
Moses hits the adoption lottery!
Why can’t kids with cancer have anal sex?
Because they have cancer.
My wife left me and took the kids.
A kid gets home from school and finds his mom and dad having sex. The kid asks, "What are you doing, Dad?" The dad replies, "Having sex with your mom, son," and he starts laughing.
The next day, Dad gets home from work and finds his son having sex with his nan. The dad shouts, "What the hell are you doing, son?" The kid replies, "It's not funny when it's your mom, is it?"
When I was acting up, my mother used to tell me, "I brought you into this world, and I will take you out. I gave you life, and I can also take it." So my son was acting up and talking back to me. Now I'm being charged with murder. I don't understand. I thought it was okay to kill your own kids.