Joke jokes

What's the difference between Princess Diana and Thomas the Tank Engine?

Thomas came out the other end of the tunnel.

Tell someone to look in their shirt and spell attic. Hehe.

What's the hardest part when making skimmed milk?

Throwing the cow across the lake.

So why don’t blind people go sky diving? It scares the hell out of their seeing eye dog.

When does a blind person know when he’s about to hit the ground? The leash goes slack.

Little Jimmy asked his mom if he could take a bath with her since he was scared of being alone. She said, "Sure, just don't look up." He looked up and said, "Woah, what are those?" She replied, "Those are just headlights." He looked down and said, "What is that?" She said, "That's just a bush." The next day, mommy wasn't home, so he asked to take a shower with his papa instead. He said, "Okay, but don't look up." He looked up and said, "Woah, what is that?" His papa replied, "That's just a snake." Later that night, he asked to sleep with his parents. They said, "Okay, just don't look under the covers." After a while, he grew bored and went under the covers. Jimmy screamed, "Mom, turn on the headlights, the snake is in the bush!"

What do you call two Mexicans in a sleeping bag?

A Twix.

How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her? They handed her a basketball and told her to “read this book”.

Lol making jokes about cancer makes me feel better as a person that had cancer, it’s great!

What's the difference between a paycheck and your penis?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow up the paycheck.

When I ask my dad if I got adopted, he said, "Not yet, no one wants you."

Nah c'mon guys, we don't let jokes like this fly around here.

You know what I saw today?

Everything I looked at.

[Them]: "Don't you think you'll feel ashamed of all the suicide jokes you've made when you get older?"

[Me]: "When I what?" 0-0

My ex-boyfriend tried to scan himself at the supermarket checkout for fun.

“See how I can’t scan myself? It’s because I’m priceless.”

I decided I’d scan my wrist too, just for fun.

Found out I’m worth $3.97.

My girlfriend called me a "pedophile", and I said, "That's a big word for a 5-year-old."

What's similar between a blind kid and an orphan?

They both can't see their parents.

I don’t like to make jokes around dwarfs.

Simply because they look up to me.

What do you call four black people in a sleeping bag?

A Kit Kat.

What do sex and food have in common?

My sister makes it better than my cousin.

A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: Do you know how often people die from AIDS?

I said: Now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.