Joke jokes

What hit the floor first, the kid or the feather?

The feather.

The rope stopped the kid.

What does a cannibal call a pregnant woman?

A Kinder Surprise egg.

Chuck Norris threw one Pokéball and caught 'em all.

Tell someone to look in their shirt and spell attic. Hehe.

So why don’t blind people go sky diving? It scares the hell out of their seeing eye dog.

When does a blind person know when he’s about to hit the ground? The leash goes slack.

What's the hardest part when making skimmed milk?

Throwing the cow across the lake.

Little Jimmy asked his mom if he could take a bath with her since he was scared of being alone. She said, "Sure, just don't look up." He looked up and said, "Woah, what are those?" She replied, "Those are just headlights." He looked down and said, "What is that?" She said, "That's just a bush." The next day, mommy wasn't home, so he asked to take a shower with his papa instead. He said, "Okay, but don't look up." He looked up and said, "Woah, what is that?" His papa replied, "That's just a snake." Later that night, he asked to sleep with his parents. They said, "Okay, just don't look under the covers." After a while, he grew bored and went under the covers. Jimmy screamed, "Mom, turn on the headlights, the snake is in the bush!"

What do you call two Mexicans in a sleeping bag?

A Twix.

Friend: How dark is your humor?

Me: It gets beat by the cops on a daily basis.

How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her? They handed her a basketball and told her to “read this book”.

Lol making jokes about cancer makes me feel better as a person that had cancer, it’s great!

Dark humor is like a cancer, it's funnier when a kid gets it.

What's the difference between a paycheck and your penis?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow up the paycheck.

What do sex and food have in common?

My sister makes it better than my cousin.

A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: Do you know how often people die from AIDS?

I said: Now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.

What do you call a group of white people running down a hill?

An avalanche.

My girlfriend called me a "pedophile", and I said, "That's a big word for a 5-year-old."

My ex-boyfriend tried to scan himself at the supermarket checkout for fun.

“See how I can’t scan myself? It’s because I’m priceless.”

I decided I’d scan my wrist too, just for fun.

Found out I’m worth $3.97.

[Them]: "Don't you think you'll feel ashamed of all the suicide jokes you've made when you get older?"

[Me]: "When I what?" 0-0

What's similar between a blind kid and an orphan?

They both can't see their parents.