Joke jokes

What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.

Why did the pedophile cross the road?

To get to the other preschool.

I know it's cheesy, but I feel grate.

1 like = 1 more child in my basement.

Q: What does your Mama and a slinky have in common?

A: They aren't much to look at, but you can't help cracking a smile when you see it tumbling down the stairs.

One day, the teacher asks a boy, "Why can't fish talk underwater?"

The kid says, "If I put your head underwater, will you be able to talk?"

What do you call someone with a pindie spot?

Stop screen recording.

I got arrested on suspicion of attempted rape all because I was carrying some cable ties, a bit of tape and a piece of cloth. It's such a joke, I hadn't even bought the chloroform yet.

Why can't Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school?

Because he's dead.

What's black and white and red all over?

A massacre at a funeral.

I knocked on Stephen Hawking's door, but nobody answered...

All I got was "error 404 page not found."

What hit the floor first, the kid or the feather?

The feather.

The rope stopped the kid.

What does a cannibal call a pregnant woman?

A Kinder Surprise egg.

The moment when she tells you: "I'm a virgin. Be gentle!" And you tell her, "Don't worry, I used to work with kids."

What's the difference between Princess Diana and Thomas the Tank Engine?

Thomas came out the other end of the tunnel.

What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

Tell someone to look in their shirt and spell attic. Hehe.

So why don’t blind people go sky diving? It scares the hell out of their seeing eye dog.

When does a blind person know when he’s about to hit the ground? The leash goes slack.

What's the hardest part when making skimmed milk?

Throwing the cow across the lake.

Little Jimmy asked his mom if he could take a bath with her since he was scared of being alone. She said, "Sure, just don't look up." He looked up and said, "Woah, what are those?" She replied, "Those are just headlights." He looked down and said, "What is that?" She said, "That's just a bush." The next day, mommy wasn't home, so he asked to take a shower with his papa instead. He said, "Okay, but don't look up." He looked up and said, "Woah, what is that?" His papa replied, "That's just a snake." Later that night, he asked to sleep with his parents. They said, "Okay, just don't look under the covers." After a while, he grew bored and went under the covers. Jimmy screamed, "Mom, turn on the headlights, the snake is in the bush!"