Joke jokes

What's the best thing about dead baby jokes?

They never get old.

What is the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus?

One is hairy and smells like fish, and the other is a walrus. You're welcome.

So why don’t blind people go sky diving? It scares the hell out of their seeing eye dog.

When does a blind person know when he’s about to hit the ground? The leash goes slack.

Knock knock. Who's there? Broken pencil. Broken pencil who? Never mind, it was pointless!

Why did the pedophile cross the road?

To get to the other preschool.

What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

One of them you'll see in a while, and the other one you'll see later.

What do you call a ghost's fart?

A spirit bomb.

Your hairline is so back it looks like Will Smith slapped it.

Why is the Leaning Tower of Pisa leaning? Because it has faster reflexes than the Twin Towers.

I'll always remember my grandpa's last words.

"Are you getting the knife?"

I cried when my dad cut up onions. Onions was a good dog.

Q: What's the difference between a knife and a woman arguing?

A: A knife has a point.

Why did the orphan go to church?

So he had someone to call a father.

Daughter: Mommy?

Mom: Hey.

Daughter: What kind of kids do they use to make Sour Patch Kids?

Mom: They don’t use kids to make Sour Patch Kids.

Daughter: Oh, that’s why the ones I made taste kind of funny...

When someone tells me to kill myself,

Panic! At The Disco: Don't Threaten Me With A Good Time.

A husband comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can’t cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can’t fuck."

Me walking in to the office:

Principal: Tell me, what did you do?

Me: I told the special ed kid that the 4th story window was an end portal...

What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.

Why couldn't Sally write with the pen? (Friend: Idk, why?) Because she had no arms.

Why couldn't Sally play Tennis? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) Yes, she had no arms.

Why did Sally fall off the swing? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) No, Joe pushed her.

Why couldn't Sally pick up the box? (Friend: *Some weird guess*) Because she had no arms.

Why did Sally drop her ice cream? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) Because she got hit by a bus.

Knock Knock. (Friend: Who's there?) Not Sally.

What's black and white and red all over?

A massacre at a funeral.