Joke jokes

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? Your father.

We wrote letters to a kid with cancer.

My letter read, "It's a bumpy road, but soon you will have a straight path."

People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor. Lol.

How can you tell the difference between a Christian priest and a zit?

One waits until you're twelve to come on your face.

Wanna hear a funny joke?

My life.

What's the difference between cancer and me?

My dad didn't beat cancer... Whelp, I guess I stole that one.

How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Well, there are 69 in my basement, and it's still dark.

What's black, blue, and red, laying in a ditch?

You after you disrespect me.

I went, I saw, I poop at hole. I make a portal.

Stop making autism jokes, calling us "retards". It is cool.

What do you call a man with no legs?

Hangman.

Your dad.

What do you call an octopus with eight legs? An octo-pussy!

What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant lady? You can unscrew a lightbulb.

A man sits in a bar and gets seriously drunk to the point where he vomits on his shirt. He panics.

The bartender asked, "What's wrong, sir?"

The man replies, "I got drunk and vomited, my wife will kill me."

The bartender says, "Put $20 in the shirt and say someone puked on you and they paid you for the wash."

So the man walks out with the $20 he put in his shirt pocket. The next day, the wife said, "Why is there vomit on your shirt?"

The man says, "Someone puked on me and gave me $20 bucks for the wash."

The wife pulls out the money. "There is $40," says the wife.

"Oh, he also peed on me and paid for the wash, too." The man walks away believing he didn't get caught by his wife.

Little Johnny walked into class with a black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have a black eye?"

Johnny said, "Well, me and my parents have to share a bed, and my dad asked me if I was asleep and I said no, so he smacked me."

The teacher said, "Well tonight, don't say anything."

The next day, Johnny walked in with another black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have another black eye?" Little Johnny said, "Well, last night, I did what you said and didn't say anything when my dad asked me if I was asleep. A few minutes later, my dad said he was coming, and my mom said she was coming too. They usually don't go anywhere without me so I said 'Wait for me, I'm coming too.'"

If you have a daughter, give her the same name as the mum; that way when you call for a beer, you get two beers, and when you call for sex, you get two sex...

Let's try to get to either max likes or dislikes, your choice.

And duck jokes, who would win in a fight, a baby or a pacifist, presented by duck?

I had to run out of the library because I put the cookbooks in the women's sports section.

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Hey, is the bartender here?"

Your forehead [is] so big [that] every time you shout, your forehead starts pulsing.