Joke jokes

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? -- One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

I almost secretly married a watermelon, but I cantaloupe.

Q: What's an orphan's favorite part of a website?

A: The homepage.

Michael Jackson gets really ill, so he's rushed to hospital. When they get there, he says, "Am I in heaven?"

The doctor replies, "Nah, sir, we're just taking a quick shortcut through the children's ward."

What do you call your daughter's boyfriend when he brings her back past 10pm?

An ambulance.

A man looks at his friend and says, "If you and a friend go camping and you two get really drunk, and in the morning you wake up with a condom in your butt, would you tell anyone?" The friend says in a disgusted tone, "No." So the man says, "Okay, let's go camping."

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, "I thought you guys only drink blood?"

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."

You know when you sign up for something and it says "I'm not a robot"? I guess he never had the chance to tick that.

Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila.

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

There once was a street named Chuck Norris. They had to change the name because no one crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? -- He nuts and bolts.

Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number. You answered the wrong telephone.

Dark humor is like food.

Not everyone gets it.

What animal gets easily offended? The chicken; they always get roasted.

What kind of tea do wealthy people own?

Proper-Tea.

It's not rape if you're both crying.

What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.

I am disabled and I find these jokes appropriately hilarious.

I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!