Joke jokes

A man walks into a bar and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. When he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says, "If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone's drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?" The man decided not to take the risk. He thought the steaks were too high.

Q: What's an orphan's favorite part of a website?

A: The homepage.

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? -- One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

Why was the blonde fired from the M&M factory?

For throwing out the W's.

Little Johnny's teacher asks him, "Johnny, do you pray before you eat?" Little Johnny says, "I don't need to, my mum makes good food."

Ah yes, cremation. My last chance of having a smokin' hot body.

Why don’t emo girls go to self checkout?

Because every time they scan, it scans twice.

Wanna know why not to joke about 9/11? They usually crash the party.

what do you get when you play a country song backwards? you get your wife, your house, and your kids back.

I'm not lazy, I'm just bone tired. I bet that one tickled your funny bone. It sure got me rattled. Don't try to stop me. I've got a skele-ton of these!

A man looks at his friend and says, "If you and a friend go camping and you two get really drunk, and in the morning you wake up with a condom in your butt, would you tell anyone?" The friend says in a disgusted tone, "No." So the man says, "Okay, let's go camping."

What does BLM stand for?

Bisexual Lives Matter.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The "p" is silent.

How do you know when an orphan is lying?

When they say, "I swear on my mother's life."

I almost secretly married a watermelon, but I cantaloupe.

Michael Jackson gets really ill, so he's rushed to hospital. When they get there, he says, "Am I in heaven?"

The doctor replies, "Nah, sir, we're just taking a quick shortcut through the children's ward."

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did, not screaming and shouting like his passengers.

I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!

Dark humor is like food.

Not everyone gets it.

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, "I thought you guys only drink blood?"

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."