Joke jokes

How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?

You wave at him.

Did you hear the joke about Helen Keller? Neither did she. Did you see that one coming? Neither did she.

(She's blind and deaf)

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? -- One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

I almost secretly married a watermelon, but I cantaloupe.

Q: What's an orphan's favorite part of a website?

A: The homepage.

Michael Jackson gets really ill, so he's rushed to hospital. When they get there, he says, "Am I in heaven?"

The doctor replies, "Nah, sir, we're just taking a quick shortcut through the children's ward."

What's the difference between you and Hitler?

Hitler knew when to kill himself.

A man looks at his friend and says, "If you and a friend go camping and you two get really drunk, and in the morning you wake up with a condom in your butt, would you tell anyone?" The friend says in a disgusted tone, "No." So the man says, "Okay, let's go camping."

You know when you sign up for something and it says "I'm not a robot"? I guess he never had the chance to tick that.

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, "I thought you guys only drink blood?"

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

There once was a street named Chuck Norris. They had to change the name because no one crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? -- He nuts and bolts.

Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number. You answered the wrong telephone.

Dark humor is like food.

Not everyone gets it.

What animal gets easily offended? The chicken; they always get roasted.

Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila.

What kind of tea do wealthy people own?

Proper-Tea.

What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.

What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.