Joke jokes

If you ever get bored, just hit an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

"Hippity hoppity, don't abolish my property!"

What was Hellen Keller's dog's name?

Durrrrrrrr.

My sad ass life.

Bro, my friend told me all his humor is dead and dry, and I was like, "Just like 9/11 victims."

Why did the cow cross the road? To go to the moooooovies! Nyahahahahahahahahaha!

Me. I am the worst joke ever.

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 800 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.

1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You’re not going to have time to finish this," the professor said, as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes, I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing.

1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No, you don’t, I’m not going to accept that. It’s late." The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact, I don’t," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again. "No, and I don’t care," replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and ran out of the room.

I pushed a kid in a wheelchair and said, "Hot Wheels!"

Say what you want about Hitler, but in the end, he did kill Hitler.

How do you know if an Asian has broken into your house?

Your dog is gone. ;)

Some dude: Water you thinking?

Me: You're drowning in my head.

Do you want to hear a paper joke?

Never mind, it is tearable.

This kid was going to sleep and he said, "Night, Mum. Night, Dad. And night, Grandma, and bye, Grandpa." The next morning, Grandpa died, and the next night he said, "Night, Dad. Night, Mum. Night, Grandma." Grandma died the next morning. The next night he said, "Night, Mum, bye, Dad," and they heard the postman died because he was the dad, lol.

What's the best thing about stage 4 cancer... no stage 5.

One day I was passing a blind man and I gave him a gun and told him it was a blow dryer.

Next day I went for another walk and saw his grave.

Stop it with the "yo mama" jokes. They are just offensive.

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

What is a Mexican's favorite sport? Cross country.

Tell an emo, "Do you get jealous when your phone dies?"