Joke jokes
How do you stop a baby from crawling? Nail its hand to the floor.
On the lines of "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous,"
I'm dying to live forever!
Guy spills milk on me. I say, "It's okay, we all make mistakes sometimes, but apparently your mom made a big one."
Hey, wanna hear an abortion joke? Never mind, I can't deliver it.
My friend was on a wheelchair... he committed suicide yesterday. I remember when I met him last time, he told us a good joke and I appreciated him and told him to become a stand-up comedian.
You wanna know how to get rid of potential scam callers?
Next time you get a call from them, just answer the phone and say, "Pizza Hut abortion clinic, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce, how may I help you?"
What does a perverted frog say? Rub it.
Why don't witches wear underwear? To get a better grip on their broom.
What do girls and rocks have in common? The flat ones get skipped.
What is red and goes 200 mph? A baby in a blender.
What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
The teacher says, "Spit out your gum," but a train says, "Chew chew!"
I know a good airplane joke, but it would probably go over your heads.
The twin towers: No, it won't.
Two men walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would've seen it.
A priest and a pedophile walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey Jim!"
Why do orphans hate milk? Cause their family is still shopping for it!
A high school student and his best friend were rushing to class after his best friend caused them both to be late. His best friend asked, "Would you like to hear a joke?" "Sure," he replied. "What do you and your sister have in common?" "I don't know." "Because of me you're both late for your next period."
You: Say "addicted" after everything I say.
Person: Uh okay.
You: When you're obsessed with candy you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: When you're obsessed with drugs you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: What hit you in the face last night?
Person: Addicted... *laughs*
(It's supposed to sound like "A dick did")
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It didn't, I hit it with my car 3 blocks down.
I don't like making jokes about 9/11... they tend to crash and burn.
I told a diabetic girl to have sweet dreams...
she died the next morning.
You know what they say about dark humor: it hits harder than a drunk parent.
You know some of these jokes took me 9 minutes and 11 seconds to realize. When I did, it hit me like a plane.
Son: Dad, am I adopted?
Father: What? No! Out of all the kids in the adoption center, do you really think I would pick you?