Joke jokes

What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.

I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!

How did the dead baby cross the road?

It was strapped to the chicken.

I asked a poor old woman if I could take her home. She smiled and said yes. However, the expression on her face soon changed when I started walking away with her cardboard box.

What gang was Stephen Hawking in? The Crips.

What do you call a joke without a punchline?

Why do self-harmers "draw" on their arms?

Because everything they do is in vein.

Punchline: "Vain" sounds similar to "Vein".

Wanna know why not to joke about 9/11? They usually crash the party.

Someone broke into my house and took my anti-depressants... I hope they're happy now.

Why was the blonde fired from the M&M factory?

For throwing out the W's.

Two antennas got married on a roof. The ceremony was horrible, but the reception was great!

what do you get when you play a country song backwards? you get your wife, your house, and your kids back.

When I'm bored, I go into an elevator with a full duffle bag. Once people come in and the door closes, I zip open the bag a little bit and whisper to it, "I'll get you some food once we get off."

What does an orgasm and a pulse have in common?

I don't care if she has either.

The only time you see a depressed person lifted up is when they hang themselves.

What do you call two Mexicans at a country restaurant? "Two beaners in a cracker house."

What's the similarity between a Christmas ornament and a person?

They both hang...

What do you get when you cross jokes and cum?

CUMedy.

What's the difference between an Afghan kindergarten and a military target?

The drone guy didn't know either.

I ate a clock yesterday. It was very time-consuming.