Joke jokes

Why did the depressed person rob a bank? Because you're not killing yourself if a cop does it for you!

I saw a fat girl with a 'Guess' t-shirt, so I said, "286lb."

What do you call a single bisexual?

All bi myself.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

What do you call a chair that smokes weed?

A high chair.

Imagine if hitting the iceberg wasn't an accident and it was all just the sailors' fault like this:

Sailor 1: Hey Ron. Sailor 2: Yeah? Sailor 1: You see that iceberg over there? Sailor 2: Yeah. Sailor 1: You know what would be pretty funny?

I would name my dog "Five Miles" so I could say I walk five miles every day, but today I ran over Five Miles.

Today was a bad day. There was a man throwing butter and cheese at me, how dairy!

Wanna hear a terrible joke?

Paper

Pretty tear-able, huh?

Why did little sally fall off the swings?

Because she had no arms.

What did sally get for Christmas?

Gloves! Only joking...she still hasn’t opened the box.

Rape jokes are like your dad's dick. You don't want it but you still get it anyway.

The average human male walks for five miles, but the gas station is ten miles away. So why does it take fifteen years for my dad to buy cigarettes?

Why did the chicken go to KFC? ... To visit his family.

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

What's black, has four wheels, and sits at the top of the stairs?

Steven Hawking after a house fire.

Me: spreading positivity.

Everyone else at the HIV testing center.

What is long and not hairy?

The conga line in the cancer department.

A pedophile and a little boy are walking into the woods late at night.

The little boy says, "I'm scared."

The pedophile says, "You think you're scared? I have to walk back alone!"

Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew forty bucks in there."