Joke jokes

What do you call a single bisexual?

All bi myself.

Why did the depressed person rob a bank? Because you're not killing yourself if a cop does it for you!

I saw a fat girl with a 'Guess' t-shirt, so I said, "286lb."

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

Rape jokes are like your dad's dick. You don't want it but you still get it anyway.

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

What do you call a chair that smokes weed?

A high chair.

Imagine if hitting the iceberg wasn't an accident and it was all just the sailors' fault like this:

Sailor 1: Hey Ron. Sailor 2: Yeah? Sailor 1: You see that iceberg over there? Sailor 2: Yeah. Sailor 1: You know what would be pretty funny?

Why did the chicken go to KFC? ... To visit his family.

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?

A: How do you breathe through that little thing?

I would name my dog "Five Miles" so I could say I walk five miles every day, but today I ran over Five Miles.

Wanna hear a terrible joke?

Paper

Pretty tear-able, huh?

Why did little sally fall off the swings?

Because she had no arms.

What did sally get for Christmas?

Gloves! Only joking...she still hasn’t opened the box.

9/11 jokes aren't funny. They are just plane wrong.

The average human male walks for five miles, but the gas station is ten miles away. So why does it take fifteen years for my dad to buy cigarettes?

What is long and not hairy?

The conga line in the cancer department.

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

What's black, has four wheels, and sits at the top of the stairs?

Steven Hawking after a house fire.

Me: spreading positivity.

Everyone else at the HIV testing center.

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

- Carlos.