Joke jokes
A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly, “Paint...my....house.”
Hey, wanna hear an abortion joke? Never mind, I can't deliver it.
What's black, white, and red?
A nun that fell down an elevator shaft.
Why was the blonde fired from the M&M factory?
For throwing out the W's.
Why was the boy crying?
He had a frog stapled to his face.
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
When you slap the mosquito, it stops sucking.
What do you call a clock on a belt?
A waist of time.
What's the difference between a Ferrari and a sack of dead babies?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
You travel to the past into the era where Julius Caesar is still alive. He thinks you may be from the future to bring him good news. He asks you, "How do I die?"
You reply with: "Surrounded by friends."
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get the Chinese Daily!
Get it? I don't either--I get the New York Times!
I almost had a joke about Parkinson's disease, but I was too shaken up to say it.
A cat gets its tail run over, and its mother assured him it’ll be okay. “You just have to stay PAW-sitive!”
The mother was later killed in her sleep because her son hates puns. At the funeral, one of her daughters said, “You have CAT to be KITTEN me right MEOW!”
Guess who dies next.
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is okay to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
What do you call it when Portericans surround your house?
A spicket fence!
C'mon guys, 9/11 jokes are just plane wrong.
I don't like it when people make 9/11 jokes. My dad was in it.
He was the best damn pilot in Saudi Arabia.
I don't like it when people make jokes about 9/11, because we lost 19 great patriots that day.
Sally fell off the swing. How did she fall off?
She had no arms.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Sally.
Did you know the people in the twin towers were great readers?
Yeah, they went through 80 stories in seconds.
Teacher: "People with depression never get anywhere in life."
Student 1: "My mom has depression, but she died."
Student 2: "My sister has depression and she's going to therapy."
Student 3: "My dad has depression, and he's doing REALLY well."