Why did Timmy throw the clock out the window?
It reminded him of Arnold Clock, the man convicted of knife raping his wife.
Joke Jokes
What's the difference between a dog and a rapist?
At least the rapist adds a bit of foreplay before he starts humping people.
The other day I pushed a Chinese woman off the Golden Gate Bridge. I was Wong on so many levels.
What's Stephen Hawking's favorite drug?
Battery acid.
A hired gun gets on a private plane to his next contract. Halfway through the trip, he notices the plane rapidly losing altitude. So he opens that back of the plane and starts tossing out everything he doesn't need: grenades, guns, ammo—unless it was bolted down, it went out. He stopped throwing things out when the plane started to regain altitude.
When the plane lands, he sees some kids giggling on the side of the road. "What's so funny?" he asks.
"Daddy farted and the house blew up," said a singed little boy.
Wanna hear a funny joke?
My life.
What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?
Fat, you get fat.
What? Were you expecting a pi joke?
Stop making 9/11 jokes, my father died in a plane crash.
Best pilot in Saudi Arabia.
Somebody told me a chemistry joke. I thought it was sodium funny, I slapped my neon that one.
What is Al-Qaeda's favorite football team? The New York Jets.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Disabled.
I was going to tell a joke about emos in the sea, but it’s dead in the water.
I don't like 9/11 jokes; they have a tendency to crash and burn.
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Because she was hit by a bus.
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Thanos snapped.
What do you call a hospital that's flooded with vegetable soup?
What's black, white, and red all over? A penguin in a blender.
What's all fuzzy, warm, and laughing? The person who snapped its neck and put it into the blender.
So my best friend’s boyfriend broke up with her, and she started to cry.
So I told her a ‘single’ joke. Then she said, "Go and f***ing die, you insensitive bitch!"
I later said, "Ugh, fine, as your BFF I will break his body for you. Happy now?"
She said, "Sniff, yes."
So, my best friend's boyfriend broke up with her, and she started to cry.
So I told her a "single" joke, then she said, "Go and fucking die, you insensitive bitch!"
I later said, "Ugh, fine, as your BFF, I will break his body for you—happy now?"
She said, "*sniff* yes."
What did Eminem do when he couldn't get some of his mom's spaghetti?
Well, he didn't make it back to recovery this time...