Joke jokes

What was I saying again?

Hey, wanna hear a construction joke?

Other person: Yes.

Sorry, I'm still working on it! 😅

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks, “A Bloody Mary?”

The vampire shakes his head. “Hot water for me.”

“Hot water?”

“I found a tampon out back and want to make tea.”

When your parents say, "We are sorry that you are here," what do you think of that?

I think that you're an accident!

Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant? Because he had a big bill.

Gumball: What's that? Is it a twig?

Banana Joe: No.

Darwin: Is it a leaf?

Banana Joe: No.

Gumball: What is it then?

Banana Joe: It's my BUTT!!!

1. You can't wash your eyes with soap.

2. You can't count your hair.

3. You can't breathe through your nose with your tongue out.

4. You just tried number three.

5. When you tried number 3, you realized it was possible, only you look like a dog.

6. You're smiling right now because you realized you were fooled.

7. You skipped number 5.

8. You just checked if there was a number 5.

9. This is not my joke; all credit goes to Steps.

About the guy who gave Stevie Wonder a cheese grater...

He thought it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

Teacher: What is a cow?

Kid: Meat.

Teacher: Nice. What is a chicken?

Kid: Eggs.

Teacher: What does the big fat pig give you?

Kid: Homework.

My kids [are] so damn bad[.] We took them to Disney in Florida. They paid me not to bring them back ever.

Want another joke? Look in the mirror.

What do ya call a legless prostitute in a strawberry field?

A jammy cunt.

What do you call a bunch of wheelchairs on top of one another?

A vegetable rack.

I recently was told by my therapist to stop with the suicide jokes. So I replied with "Don't worry, it will all end soon."

So, I walked into the kitchen and saw my mom had made cookies. I stole one, not noticing my mom was behind me.

So my mom said, "Put the cookie back, kid!" and I said I wasn't gonna eat it. Then she said, "Never mind, I'll get your father." So my mom said, "Honey, deal with your son; I'm going to the mall!" And my dad said, "Son, if you're not allowed to have a cookie before dinner!"

So he went into his room, and I heard the belt, and I was going to run, but I knew it would be worse. So he said, "This will be your punishment." As he was getting ready to hit me, I said, "Daddy, no, please, I wasn't gonna eat it!" But he said, "No, you won't change my mind, little boy!" Then he hit me. Thank you for reading! Stay healthy and stay safe in this time. Bye!!! Read more of my jokes; they'll probably be around the website!!

What's the difference between parents and depression? At least one of them leaves you.

What do you call a dwarf with borderline autism? Jimothy.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Condensed.

Condensed who?

Condensed milk.

I gave up hope and I liked it!!

I take meds to feel fantastic! (I kissed a boy{but fed up lyrics})

Ooh! I know a joke!

(Papyrus) What is it?

(Sans) Knock knock!

(Papyrus) Uh... who's there?

(Sans) Sans

(Papyrus) Sans who?

(Sans) SANS IS LAZY!!!!! NOW PICK UP YOUR SOCKS BEFORE I SHOVE MY SPAGHETTI INTO YOUR MOUTH!

(Papyrus)