Joke jokes

Grandpa: "You can't have phones within 15 feet of the table."

Me: "And you aren't allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school."

I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where I should put my pants. "Next to mine" was not the answer I was expecting.

New Teacher: "I was an orphan as a kid."

Students: "OOF!"

Teacher: "Is anyone missing?"

Students: "Your parents!"

Dark humor is a lot like food.

Not everyone gets it.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

What's the difference between dark humor and morbid humor? Dark humor would be saying, "ten babies in one trashcan." Morbid humor would be saying, "one baby in ten trashcans."

Guys, we should stop making jokes about orphans. Their parents will get mad. Oh.... Wait... Continue.

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is okay to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

Who needs April Fools?

When your whole life is a joke?

I got kicked out of the hospital because I told all the COVID-19 patients to stay positive.

What's a depressed person's favorite drink?

Depresso expresso.

JK, bleach.

Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says, “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies, “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies, “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent, and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says, “Ok, now what?”

What did the rope say to me?

"Hey there man, you wanna hang later?"

My sister thinks she's so smart. She said, "Onions are the only food that makes you cry." So I threw a coconut at her.

Why did Susie fall off the swing?

Because she didn't have any arms.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Not Susie.

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead bodies?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

All these jokes are plane wrong. My uncle died in 9/11. At least he died doing what he loved, flying planes.

I got kicked out of a hospital once. I told all the COVID patients to stay positive.

So, my parents were telling me about this dark joke they made 17 years ago, but they didn't actually tell me the joke.

So, a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.

Boy: "Hey mister, it's getting dark out and I'm scared!"

Man: "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"