Job jokes

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in.

Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whisper, "Hello."

"Is your Mummy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with her?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with him?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anyone else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to the ambulancemen and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."

Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..."Me!"

Will Will Smith smith?

Yes, Will Smith will smith.

One Tuesday afternoon, Little Jonny decides he wants extra homework, so he went to his teacher and said, "Hello, can I have extra homework this week?"

The teacher replied with, "Sure, be at my house Friday afternoon to cut my lawn, polish the counters, scrub the baseboards, scrub and paint the walls!"

And Johnny replied with, "That's not what I meant, but at least I'll get paid!"

The teacher said, "How about $200 each job?"

Johnny replied with, "OK."

Friday afternoon at her house, after Johnny does all the jobs, he asked for his payment and the teacher laughed and said, "You do know that Tuesday was April Fools' Day, right?"

I had the worst day of my life. My 13 year old ex got killed and I got fired from my job as a police guard. Did I mention that we were in Syria?

Him: I work with animals all day.

Her: Awwww what do you do?

Him: I'm a pornstar.

Boss: Can I do a reference check?

Me: I don’t have a...

*sensei appears*

Me: oh no

Sensei: He was a good student, but he lacked kizma.

Boss: What's kiz...

Sensei:😈

Me: Oh no, here we go.

Sensei: Kizma AS-

Why did the terrorist not get paid, but they loved their job?

They di2s drying plans.

So I went up to a crying kid and asked, "Where's your mommy?"

God, I love working at an orphanage.

What is a pooper man called? A dentist.

The best part about being a medical student is, you will never run out of jokes.

I saw a little kid crying because he was lost. I asked him, "Where are your parents?"

God, I love working in an orphanage!

You are so ugly, when you went to a haunted house, you came back with a job application.

I went into a forest with my sharp laptop with F13. Now I'm a real HACKER.

What did Bob the police officer say to his chest?

"You're under a vest."

What did the dog say when he came home from a long shift at work? Today was ruff.

"When I was a child, my blind mother taught me hand jobs, like carpentry and painting with her legs."

A girl comes up to her dad and says, "Can I borrow the car tonight? I want to go to this party." Dad says, "If you give a head job..." The girl says, "You're my dad! How can you say that?" Dad says, "If you want the car..." The girl thinks, "Okay." She starts. Dad says, "That tastes like sh*t." Dad: "Yeah, your brother wanted the car this morning."

Why does the pimp always use job fairs as a way of recruiting new hoes?

He always gets a great turnout.

I made a joke about unemployed people. It didn’t work.

Guys to wind the clock up?