Job jokes

One Tuesday afternoon, Little Jonny decides he wants extra homework, so he went to his teacher and said, "Hello, can I have extra homework this week?"

The teacher replied with, "Sure, be at my house Friday afternoon to cut my lawn, polish the counters, scrub the baseboards, scrub and paint the walls!"

And Johnny replied with, "That's not what I meant, but at least I'll get paid!"

The teacher said, "How about $200 each job?"

Johnny replied with, "OK."

Friday afternoon at her house, after Johnny does all the jobs, he asked for his payment and the teacher laughed and said, "You do know that Tuesday was April Fools' Day, right?"

I had the worst day of my life. My 13 year old ex got killed and I got fired from my job as a police guard. Did I mention that we were in Syria?

Why did the terrorist not get paid, but they loved their job?

They di2s drying plans.

The best part about being a medical student is, you will never run out of jokes.

You are so ugly, when you went to a haunted house, you came back with a job application.

I saw a little kid crying because he was lost. I asked him, "Where are your parents?"

God, I love working in an orphanage!

So I went up to a crying kid and asked, "Where's your mommy?"

God, I love working at an orphanage.

What is a pooper man called? A dentist.

Boss: Can I do a reference check?

Me: I don’t have a...

*sensei appears*

Me: oh no

Sensei: He was a good student, but he lacked kizma.

Boss: What's kiz...

Sensei:😈

Me: Oh no, here we go.

Sensei: Kizma AS-

Him: I work with animals all day.

Her: Awwww what do you do?

Him: I'm a pornstar.

I went into a forest with my sharp laptop with F13. Now I'm a real HACKER.

What did the dog say when he came home from a long shift at work? Today was ruff.

What did Bob the police officer say to his chest?

"You're under a vest."

"When I was a child, my blind mother taught me hand jobs, like carpentry and painting with her legs."

A girl comes up to her dad and says, "Can I borrow the car tonight? I want to go to this party." Dad says, "If you give a head job..." The girl says, "You're my dad! How can you say that?" Dad says, "If you want the car..." The girl thinks, "Okay." She starts. Dad says, "That tastes like sh*t." Dad: "Yeah, your brother wanted the car this morning."

Why does the pimp always use job fairs as a way of recruiting new hoes?

He always gets a great turnout.

I made a joke about unemployed people. It didn’t work.

Guys to wind the clock up?

I wrote a few jokes:

What does a 15-year-old boy do without two hands when his parents are not at home? Well, obviously do not jerk off.

Yesterday a girl from my job invited me to her home and there I had crazy sex. I could not think that her mother is so hot.

What will happen the morning after the destruction of humanity? Duncan MacLeod makes himself breakfast.

What job do you want if you don't want people's twos since?

A Catholic priest.