Job Jokes

What do you call an unemployed Rastafarian?

Jah Bless.

I don't see why women are complaining about the glass ceiling. I mean, if they reach high enough, they can clean it...

Two Native Americans

Unwittingly walk into a gay bar and sit down to order a pitcher of beer. As they're sitting there sucking back on their ale, a gay guy walks up and says, "How would you boys like a blow job?"

The one Indian stands up and decks the guy, knocking him unconscious. He then sits back down and finishes his beer.

His buddy looks over and says, "Hey Joe, what did you do that for?"

Joe replies, "Not sure but it was something about getting a job!"

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged and dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped, and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels,” he said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. “Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in steel vats.”

The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine. The drunkard tasted it and said, “It's a blond, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get this job, I'll tell who the father is!”

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way.

Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

So a kid was crying... I asked him what was wrong.

I LOVE WORKING AT AN ORPHANAGE!

Why are astronauts forgetful?

They're always spacing out.

Your Mom is so friking fat, that when she ripped her pants and went to the seamster, they said, "We don't sew curtains!"

I used to work for a company called 69. My friend took over my position.

I put on my hazmat suit, and grabbed my equipment, and said, "My time to shine!"

People always talk about starting families, what happened to finishing the job?

I was working for Space X. I was instructed to control a satellite's orbit rotation when suddenly the screen went black. I investigated and found out one of Penaldos penalty had hit and destroyed the satellite. Shame on you Penaldo for ruining my dream job!

I was being interviewed by Elon Musk. He asked, "Where are you from?" and I said Portugal. He replied, "So you are a fellow countryman of a Pen merchant whose freekick ball broke my rover on Mars. Get out!!" Tears ran down my face. Shame on you, Penaldo, for costing me my dream job!

Women be like, "Equal rights, equal pay," then decide that they don't want to do labor intensive jobs.

What do you call a giraffe giving a blow job to another giraffe?

Getting neck!

I kept asking these kids where their parents are, and they started crying. I walked away laughing, thinking I love my job at an orphanage.

I got a job at a library once. I got fired like an hour in because the library manager said that the cookbooks didn’t go into the women’s sports section.

Why didn't the 6th of Jan go well? Cause the shitty Trump supporters didn't carry out the damn job correctly and let the president down. Also, hang Mike Pence!

This isn't an orphan joke, but I got a job at a library, but it only lasted 15 minutes. Turns out, books about women’s rights shouldn’t go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section.

Why do women need a pay rise? Isn't the glass ceiling high enough?