Job jokes

Blitz: "HOLD ON! You better move that pussy wagon right now, or I’m gonna..."

Vortex: "You'll do what?"

Blitz: "Or I'll... uh... uh, I- I'll call HR!"

*Silence, then Verosika/me, Blitz, and Vortex bust into laughter. And then back to seriousness*

Verosika/me: "Anyway, meet my new Hellhound... Vortex. Unlike you, he actually does his job well." *leaves and flips Blitz off* "Ta-ta fuck stain."

Interviewer: What are your strengths?

Interviewee: I fall in love easily.

Interviewer: And your weaknesses?

Interviewee: Those beautiful green eyes of yours...

How can a gay man that is unemployed be productive in the workplace?

Give a blowjob to other gay men in the workplace for money.

What is a gay man's favorite job?

A blowjob.

1. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

2. Why did the melon jump into the lake? It wanted to be a water-melon.

3. What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? “Put it on my bill.”

4. What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.

5. What has a bed that you can’t sleep in? A river.

6. Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed? She couldn’t control her pupils.

7. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? An Envelope.

8. How does the ocean say hello? It waves.

9. What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.

10. What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.

11. Which U.S. state has the smallest soft drinks? Minnesota (as in, “mini-soda”).

12. Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.

13. Apparently, you can’t use “beef stew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.

14. Why did the drum take a nap? It was beat.

15. Where do hamburgers go dancing? They go to the meat-ball.

16. Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing.

17. Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.

Today I passed the exams to be a funeral director!

Too bad it's a dying trade. :)

The best part of working at an orphanage is you can give them family-size chips.

Yo mama is so fat, when she was a spy, she was called "double obese."

The Mexican landscaper came to cut our lawn. My mom was happy then asked him, "Can I have some of your burrito?" He said, "Yeah." I said, "Whatever."

A few minutes later, my mom told me to cut the lawn. I said, "Why do I have to do it? That's what he's there for." My mom said, "He's going to do the burrito for me." Then I said, "Okay." I finished cutting the lawn and went in the house. I see my mom giving the landscaper a blow job. I said to my mom, "What are you doing?" My mom said, "What does it look like? I'm having my burrito." The landscaper told me that I missed a spot while cutting the lawn.

One day it was me and my sister in the house. My sister said to me, "Let's order food." I said, "We have no money." My sister said, "It's cool; we're just going to order egg rolls from the Chinese store. I know the delivery boy, and he won't charge us." I said, "Cool."

The delivery boy came with the egg rolls. I took some and ate mine in my room. I went back in the kitchen. I see my sister giving the delivery boy a blow job. I ask, "What are you doing?" My sister replied back to me, "You had your egg rolls; let me enjoy mine." Then the delivery boy said, "Don't no charge."

Why did the orphan become a stripper?

So she could have someone to call daddy.

How come orphans know how to do laundry?

Cause that's usually the mom's job.

How it be when the new guy takes too long...

Hay Danny, it's me Johnny.

Johnny: Boss says to kill the guy in red. Point the gun at his head.

Danny: Ok, target locked. 3... 2... 1... bang.

Johnny: Danny, hope you did not get the man in red.

Danny: OH MY BRO FOR REALL.

Kid: Hi.

Janitor: Wtf you want, kid?

Kid: Why are you rude?

Janitor: 'Cause I have a shitty job.

Why don't cheetahs say goodbye?

Because they are not going to work.

What type of work can orphans do? Homework.

A guy sees a kid crying, and the guy walks up to the kid and asks, "Where are your parents?"

God, I love working at an orphanage!

A hand job from a deaf person counts as oral.

Why can't emos work at a restaurant? Because they cut too much.

I got fired for not doing enough work.

Guess I didn’t put enough backbone into it.