Job jokes

So, this woman had a job. She wanted to hang out with her boyfriend, so she lied about having the coronavirus. Then she got out of work. Then she was texting her boss when she thought she was texting her boyfriend. Then she said, "I lied. Now we can...you know...water...sigh...lick...sigh." Then her boss texted, "Ew and YOU'RE FIRED."

One more story: One day this teen named Alexis got kicked out of a house, then went to live with her boyfriend. Then she got pregnant and posted it all on social media.

If a master fisherman had a caddie, what would be the caddie's job title?

A master baiter.

The other day a squirrel asked me for a job. I asked him, "What jobs did you have previously?"

Calmly he answered, "I am a pilot. I can pick it up from here and pile it over there. I also can fly a sign!"

"Too bad, this is a nut cannery, and we're 100% automated. We don't need anyone at this time, sorry."

"No worries, I'm totally nuts anyway. Guess I'll fly a sign across town, don't have bus fare!"

How did the security guard at the orchid get better at his job? He got an Apple Watch.

What time is it when a rooster sits on a fence? Morning.

What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence? Time to get a new fence.

What time is it when a lawyer sits on the fence? Time for an elephant to sit on the fence.

I got a job as a pencil sharpener. I would tell you about it, but you wouldn't get the point.

My aunt worked as a human cannonball.

I'm not sure if she was good at it until she got fired.

I had some puns about construction, but I'm still working on them.

One day there was a guy who robbed a bank. A customer at the bank while it happened got the police. Who was that? The police said......

It’s a wood hulem.

My mom said she wanted to be a comedian when she grows up. So after she was an adult, she had kids. When they were old enough, she told them you could be whatever you want...

I work at a bank and an old woman asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

A man goes into a job interview and sits down.

The interviewer is looking over his resume and says, "I see here that there's a 4-year gap on your resume. What were you doing?"

The man says, "Oh, that was when I went to Yale!"

The interviewer is impressed and says, "That's great! You're hired!"

The man smiles. "Really? I'm so glad, because I really need this Yob."

Why is a waiter good at math?

Because he knows his TABLES! 🤣

I went to the bank to apply for a Personal Loan.

Then they found out I wanted to be a rapper, so they didn't want to Post M"loan."

How do you make a plumber cry?

Break his pipes...

I gave up my seat to blind lady because she couldn't find any--let's just say I lost my job as a bus driver.

Did you know toilets, while you're at work, eat your toilet paper?

You know a piranha can devour a small child in 30 seconds. Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

The only profession where one could have coronavirus and still go to work is a suicide terrorist.

What did the math book say to the guidance counselor?