it's jokes

I got my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He came back a week later and said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.

Doctor: I diagnose you with obesity.

Patient: It runs in the family.

Doctor: Nothing can run in your family.

How many emos does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just sit in the dark and cry.

I just found out that there is a racist stereotype about Asians being bad drivers, which isn't true... but if it is, then maybe Pearl Harbor was just an accident.

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they all beat the room for being black.

I don't understand why in horror movies they make digging a grave look so easy. It usually takes me days.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts,' which, on one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.

JFK was one of the most open-minded presidents. It really blows my mind how great he was.

Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two, but now it's just a sensitive subject.

A robber held up a depressed kid at gun point.

The depressed kid took the gun, and said, "I'll do it myself."

I fell from the stairs the other day. It really "got me down."

If a midget with down syndrome shows up late for work, is it okay to say she's a little tardy?

It's all fun and games until someone fails at becoming Superman.

In preschool, I confessed my love to my crush, and she rejected me. As heartbroken as I was, I sucked it up and went back to teaching.

What do you call a creepy IT teacher?

A PDF file.

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester!

I want to make a joke about Kobe, but it won't land well.

I wanted to tell an animal joke but it's irrelephant.

Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain...

Me: So... You're new? Depression: (I don't know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading... You know... Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job... Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we're friends! Me: Interesting... (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it's problemos) Me: Well I think you're signed up! I'll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)

AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]

What's the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.