it's jokes

This chess game against America and England is getting interesting. First, America lost both of its towers, but now England has lost its queen.

So I ran into a woman the other day who says her vaginas is like a lottery ticket. She said it's because you have to be lucky to hit it... I thought it's because she was always scratching it.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer.

I saw it through my telescope last night.

I got my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He came back a week later and said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.

If a midget with down syndrome shows up late for work, is it okay to say she's a little tardy?

Doctor: I diagnose you with obesity.

Patient: It runs in the family.

Doctor: Nothing can run in your family.

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they all beat the room for being black.

I don't understand why in horror movies they make digging a grave look so easy. It usually takes me days.

JFK was one of the most open-minded presidents. It really blows my mind how great he was.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts,' which, on one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.

Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two, but now it's just a sensitive subject.

I fell from the stairs the other day. It really "got me down."

A robber held up a depressed kid at gun point.

The depressed kid took the gun, and said, "I'll do it myself."

You know, eBay sucks. I was looking for a lighter, and it gave me 18,906 matches.

What do you call a creepy IT teacher?

A PDF file.

In preschool, I confessed my love to my crush, and she rejected me. As heartbroken as I was, I sucked it up and went back to teaching.

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester!

I want to make a joke about Kobe, but it won't land well.

I wanted to tell an animal joke but it's irrelephant.

Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain...

Me: So... You're new? Depression: (I don't know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading... You know... Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job... Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we're friends! Me: Interesting... (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it's problemos) Me: Well I think you're signed up! I'll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)

AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]