it's jokes

What is the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?

A mosquito stops sucking after you f*cking slap it.

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

What did Yarn Yoshi say to Poochy whilst trying to solve a puzzle?

"Alright Poochy, it's time to get crafty!"

Ok, so, a mole goes up to a snail and eats him.

It was a seven course meal if I say so myself.

I love necrophilia, but only if it's consensual!

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it had diarrhea.

What did the planes say when they were smashing or passing the Twin Towers?

Smash.

(Get it?) 9/11.

Your hairline's so bent, it goes west, east, north, and south!

Did you hear about the new Chinese food?

It is called: “Wuhan Fried Bats”!

Why can't an orphan play baseball?

Because it could not find home.

A Texan and an Alaskan walk into a room, and the Alaskan says, "My state is bigger." Then the Texan says, "It won't be when it melts."

How many babies does it take to light up a basement? I don't know, my basement is still dark.

Did you know what my grandpa wanted for Christmas? A new ass because his one has a crack on it.

A little girl asks her mum, "Mummy how was I born?"

Her mother smiled and replied: "Once upon a time, your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day."

"The seed slowly grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful, healthy plant. So me and Daddy took the plant, dried it, smoked it and got so high that we fucked without a condom!"

How sad and pathetic is it that all you wait for after you finish a suicidal joke is for people to like your joke, but you know you'll just be a failure at that as well?

Your forehead is so big, it makes Kanye's ego look small.

Some people think emo jokes are funny, but I think it can cut both ways.

Bully: I bet your dick is so small when you look down you can't see it.

Guy: I don't, I see your mom.

Why can't orphans go big? When you go big, it's considered family size.

I didn’t know Stephen Hawking died. Oh god, it must have been when I disconnected the Wi-Fi!