it's jokes

My mom told me it's not healthy to stay in my room all day... but the only places I'm allowed to go to are my room and downstairs.

There's a movie about constipation. It hasn't come out yet.

What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?

The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

Friend #1: "Yo guys, what's the most unfair game you've ever played? For me it's Fortnite."

Friend #2: "I'd have to say Monopoly."

Me: "The most unfair game you say? Life, definitely. Like, no one wins, it's a one-way game."

Friend #2: "Uhh...that's not exactly what he meant..."

Friend #1: *calls the suicide hotline*

I got my COVID test today, it says 50. What does that mean? Also, my IQ test came back positive.

It ain't always easy having erectile dysfunction, but it sure as hell ain't hard.

What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

I don't know. He hasn't opened it yet.

A little boy and a little girl are taking a bath together. The little girl looks down at the boy and says, "Can I touch it?" The little boy looks back at her and says, "Hell no, you already broke yours off!"

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

If you jump off a bridge while crying, it's suicide, but if you jump off a bridge while screaming "parkour," it's a failed stunt.

Circumcision is like getting your dick sucked by a female. If you did not like it when you were a teenager, you probably will not like it when you become an adult.

Q. What's long, hard, and scary when you first see it?

A. Calculus homework.

I'm starting to wish my grass was emo.

Why?

So it would cut itself.

I was out for dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 42, had many people shouting at me, scolding me, calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

Why is 10 so scared? Cause it was in the middle of 9/11.

If a person in a wheelchair runs you over, can you call it a "hit and can't run"?

Snow everywhere, it's Christmas time. A person looks at the tree.

The person: "Only the last thing left to hang!"

He grabs a noose.

My life.

Tell me when you get it.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom... Until they are flashing behind you!

What do you call a group of Emo kids?

Suicide Squad.

What jumps and never let's go?

An Emo kid.

I bet all Emos want to be like their biggest influencers some day.

Dead.

Why do Emos want to be the "Scene" these days?

The only thing I've "Scene" from them is their suicide rate climbing, it's starting to climb quicker than they did to get to the top of whatever they jumped off.