it's jokes

It's ironic that the more other people love you, the more you hate yourself.

We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read, "It's a bumpy road but soon you will have a straight path." People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor.

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

A teacher asks a boy in her class, "If 3 birds are sitting on a fence, and one is shot, how many are left?" The boy responds with, "None." The teacher asks why. "They would all fly away after hearing the gunshot." The teacher says, "The answer is 2, but I like the way you think."

Later, the boy asks the teacher, "3 women walk out of an ice cream shop. One is eating with a spoon, one is licking it, and one is sucking it. Which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking it." The boy says, "No, the one wearing the ring, but I like the way you think."

Yo mama's so ugly, she threw a boomerang and it refused to come back.

Father: "Son, you were adopted."

Son: "What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"

Father: "We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes."

Your hairline goes so far back even Dora the Explorer couldn’t find it.

You're like a cloud. When you go away, it's a beautiful day.

Depression is like therapy; the more you see it, the more you get used to it.

What's a depressed person's favorite drink?

Depresso espresso.

Nah, just kidding, it's bleach.

Why can't orphans do homework? They don't have a home to do it at.

I'm doing a charity bungee jump for the local disabled.

It's called "spastics on elastics."

What does it mean when a man has a dodgy past? It means he has skeletons in his closet.

What does it mean when a man likes Lana Del Rey better than Ed Sheeran? It means he has a closet full of women's leather pants (but no women in their dating history).

Asian pregnancy test: Stick a Rubik cube into vagina. Wait 30 seconds, if it's solved then there's a little Asian in there.

If you push someone that's bullying, if you kill someone that's murder, if there is no evidence it's nothing.

Why is the leaning tower of Pizza leaning?

It has better reflexes than the twin towers.

What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.

Officer sees a man and he is seeing he is having trouble walking, so he asked him, "Sir, are you drunk?" The man responds, "No, sir, I'm not drunk." So the officer asks, "How high are you?" And the man responds, "No sir, it's 'Hi, how are you?'"

Heterosexual sodomy is like religion. If you were forced to accept it when you were younger, you probably would not like it when you become an adult.

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it... He's gay, definitely gay.