IT jokes
Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don't have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar. So one of them devises a clever plan: he tells his friend, "We should buy a hot-dog sausage with the last of our money and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks. But then when the bill comes, you get down and suck on the hot-dog, and it'll look like you're sucking on my dick. So then we'll get thrown out without paying, and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again."
His friend agrees, so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude's pants, go to the bar, and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, "Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!" The first guy says, "Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!"
I was driving and accidentally hit a crippled kid. They were still breathing, so I told them to walk it off.
Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times, and she won’t believe you.
Tell a woman she’s fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life.
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.
I asked my North Korean friend how it is to live there.
He said he couldn't complain.
I think if a woman is giving a man a handjob, it should be called "wand making".
If a woman is giving a woman a handjob, it should be called "finger pointing".
If a man is giving a man a handjob, it should be called a "self-pleasure".
They made a horror movie about the Chinese president.
It's called "Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey."
After a suicide joke say, "Don't leave me hanging, or I'll cut it out."
What do you call it when a drunk cowgirl falls off her stool at the bar?
A hoedown.
Why did the drum take a nap? It was beat.
My doctor prescribed a new drug to treat my depression.
It’s called Enditol.
Is it still stand-up comedy if the comedian doesn't have legs?
Your hairline is so pushed back, it's looking like it got slapped up by Will Smith.
I just went on a date with a woman in a wheelchair.
I stood her up, which made her fall for me. At first it was a drag, but now we’re rolling.
The FBI wants to steal my penis. Can I hide it inside you?
Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.
My mom asks, "How did you do this?" Me: "Naw, I did it with a fork. WHAT D'YA THINK?-"
Don't worry about missing a shot after yelling "Kobe". He didn't make it either.
Why was the Tower of Pisa always leaning?
Cuz it wanted better accuracy than the Twin Towers.
I ate the Emo Emo no Mi from One Piece. It gave me the powers of black hair, depression, and suicidal thoughts.