IT jokes

A priest is struck by lightning and lays hurt on the ground.

When medical crew arrives he denies them, saying, "God will surely save me!"

The medical team tries to help him, but he keeps struggling and eventually dies.

Later in the afterlife, he screams at God, saying, "Why didn't you save me? Am I not dear to you?"

God answered, "B****, I sent you a f***ing ambulance and you denied it!"

Stop it! What if a blind person sa- oh wait, never mind, carry on.

A wise man once told me: "If you poke the bear in prison, the bear will happily return the favor when it's time to shower."

Your hairline is so ugly, it's stretching down to Bikini Bottom.

Waiter: "Here you go, one medium-rare steak."

Me: "I like it well done."

Waiter: "Thanks, that means a lot!"

Your sister is so stupid, when she saw Mountain Dew, she went to the top of a mountain to get it.

Why can't an orphan play baseball?

It doesn't know where home is.

I'm black, and I have a dying family in my basement that hasn't eaten in 2 weeks. They need help.

Btw, it's a joke lol.

Your hairline's so bent, it goes west, east, north, and south!

She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts, and we're both getting sent home from school because it's distracting to boys, apparently.

doctor: you need to eat healthy.

me: no.

doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.

me: oh my goodness.

doctor: in a plane crash.

me: that sounds unrelated.

doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!

Me: Do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing?

Bank teller: [eyes wide] Uhhhhh...

Me: *scratches head with gun* Man, I hate it when this happens.

So, a man goes to church and is dipped in water three times by a Priest as he says, "From now on your name is Michael, and you will shed your sins of gambling and alcohol."

Soon after, the man heads home and rushes to the fridge to grab a can of beer. He turns on the sink and dips the beer can in the water three times while saying, "From now on you will be known as Not Alcohol."

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me while he was dying.

It seemed really important to him that I have it.

Dark humor is just like water,

some people get it, some people don't.

So I’m riding in the car with my dad and all of a sudden I smell something rank without warning.

My dad starts laughing at me.

Dad: “Son! That must have been an orphan fart! You know why?”

Me: “Why dad?”

Dad: “Because it ain’t got no pop!”

Guy: shows girlfriend his dick.

Girlfriend: "Cool, where is it?"

What did the British soldiers say while in the trenches? "Damn, it's windy out here!"

You know it’s called the circle of life? Because there’s no point to it.

Why should you always knock on the fridge door before opening it? In case there's a salad dressing.