IT jokes

Every time I tell a 911 joke, it bombs.

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Little Johnny was watching TV when he heard the TV say "bitch" and "bastard." He went over to his dad and said, "What is a bitch and bastard?" His dad looked at him surprised and said, "A bitch is a female, a bastard is a mailman." Johnny went back to the TV and heard them say "ass" and "shit," so he goes back to his dad and asks, "What shit and ass mean?" His dad says, "A shit is shaving cream like what I'm putting on my face, and ass is a coat, why don't you bug your mom?" Johnny goes back to the TV and hears them say "fuck," so Johnny goes over to his mom and says to her, "What does fuck mean, mom?" She looks over at him and says, "Fuck means carving, like what I'm doing to this turkey!" A few minutes later, Johnny hears a knock on the door. He walks over and answers it. He then says, "Welcome bitch and bastard, may I take your ass?" The people, looking horrified, then ask where his parents are. Johnny responds with, "My dad is putting shit on his face and my mom is fucking the turkey!"

What's the difference between a dog and a foster child?

A dog doesn't run to the police after you beat it.

Dear clothing websites, if it's out of stock, DO NOT ADVERTISE IT!

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Don't be stupid, feminists can't change anything.

Kill yourself in anyway. I'm doing it the HIGHway.

I donated a computer to the orphanage...

It didn’t have a motherboard.

Someone was throwing Stephen King books at everyone. I had no idea why though...

Then IT hit me.

When you find out the stripper you're banging is a hooker, but you're saving money, so it's okay.

How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?

Definitely not 13, because my basement is still dark.

The woman had a dick, lol, it's your mom ahahahahahaha, yeah YOU! Jhon man! In New York City I am on to you! I will be under your bed tonight lol get a bodyguard!

First of all, if a woman sues Bill Cosby for drugging and rape 50 years ago, and she could still remember it, it couldn't have been all bad.

Teacher: "Ok class, what animal jumps the highest?"

Kid: "A leopard."

Quiet kid: "No, it's emo kids. Some of them are still in the air."

Kid: "Broooooooooooo."

I revealed my dick to my girlfriend.

As she saw it, she said, "Nevermind, just finger me."

How many altar boys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Depends on how dark the priests' basement is.

I was in a motivational seminar about depression the other day, and she said I could be anything I wanted to be if I put my mind to it. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do it, even if it's messy.

Nike isn't helpful for suicidal people. You can't tell them to "Just Do It."

Suicide isn't funny, but you can spice it up by wearing a fun hat.

Why did the depressed person rob a bank? Because you're not killing yourself if a cop does it for you!