IT jokes
I turned off all the beeping machines in the hospital. I love the peace and quiet, but I don't know why everyone is sleeping cause it's only 8 am.
What do you call it when Hitler abuses his wife?
Adolf Hit Her.
Your children grew up faster than it took you to leave for the milk.
An emo man asked a librarian for a suicide book. She said no because you won't bring it back.
Why is it that orphans love Frisbees so much?
Because they return eventually.
Why did the orphan rob the bank? Because he wanted to know what it felt like to be wanted.
A donut and depression are the same. Both have nothing in the middle, and the other is nothing is left if you leave it for too long.
Your momma so fat when she stepped on one scale, it broke. When she got another one, it said "TBC." She looked in the mirror, it broke.
It cost me $100 to ride a taxi over your belly, it was that big!
Why can't orphans fail a test?
Because the teacher is gonna ask their parents to sign it.
Jeffrey Dahmer was craving Five Guys before it became a restaurant!
This year I'm going to name my Christmas tree Amy Winehouse, because when it dies it will leave needles all over the living room.
It isn't rap music if it isn't about rape.
Tell someone that you're gonna say “I 1 poopoo” and it will go in order of numbers, so they say, “I 2 poopoo” & so on:
You) I 1 poopoo
(Them) I 2 poopoo
(You) I 3 poopoo
(Them) I 4 poopoo
(You) I 5 poopoo
(Them) I 6 poopoo
(You) I 7 poopoo
(Them) I 8 poopoo
And be like, “You ate poopoo??! EWW!!”
What should I write a joke about? Name the subject, and I’ll make a joke about it.
In honor of Michael Jackson, Vienna Beef, as well as other establishments, are introducing the Jackson dog. It's a 50 year old sausage between two 7 year old buns, with everything on it.
You. Me. Gas station. What are we getting for dinner? Sushi of course. Uh oh! There was a roofie in our gas station sushi. We black out and wake up in a sewer surrounded by fish.
Horny fish. You know what that means. Fish orgy. The stench draws in a bear. What do we do? We're gonna fight it. Bear fight. Bare handed. Bare, naked? Oh, yes please. We befriend the bear after we beat it in a brawl and ride it into a Chuck E. Cheese. Dance Dance Revolution. Revolution? Overthrow the government? Uh, I think so. Next thing you know, I'm reincarnated as Jesus Christ. Then I turn into a jet, fly into the sun, black out again, wake up, do a bump, white out, which I didn't even know you could do. Then I smoked a joint, greened out. Then I turn into the sun. Uh oh! Looks like the meth is kicking in. aklfhaofhasfahfakh AAAAAAAAA afahfioahflkf AAAAA
In memory of Michael Jackson, Starbucks and various other establishments are introducing the Jackson tea. It's 50 year old water, with a 7 year old tea bag.
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they just sit in the dark and cry.
Two whores are watching the sun come up, splitting a bottle of Mad Dog and celebrating another night of servicing the general public. One asks the other: "Say. You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
Her friend thinks it over, "No...but I have been swung around by the tits a few times!"