A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
I’ve got money and suicidal thoughts, and I’m all out of money.
My friend, while we are shopping and I'm telling her about my mental illness: "You're priceless."
When we get to the checkout: "I'm actually $2.50."
I either want to hang, stab, or shoot myself. I'm dying to choose.
I was trying to tell some people here to stop, but then I found out that the S was covered in blood from me assaulting someone.
What is the worst motivational thing to say to a suicidal person?
"If at first you don’t succeed, try again and again until you succeed."
I told a diabetic boy to have sweet dreams, and he died the next morning.
22. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
24. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.
31. My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.
Orphans are funny cuz all they do is sing "We Are Family."
My friend: You really need to stop the SH jokes.
Me: But they're not that long.
Life is karma... because I was born, God gifted me with social awkwardness, sh*t athletic skills, and stupidity.
I'm so poor that when robbers break into my house,
they bring me things. <_>
Don't you find it ironic that Kobe Bryant bounced his helicopter off the ground like a basketball?
I hate when my brother dates other people.
Just kidding! 😵😵😵😵
Someone forgot to do half the questions in the history test.
And that's what made him go down in history.
What is one good thing about pedophiles?
They drive slow in the school zone.
Me: Gay puns are the best!
Also me: But I'm straight though.
I would name my dog "Five Miles" so I could say I walk five miles every day, but today I ran over Five Miles.
Sorry, I don't have a joke here... Just wondering how idiots end up here complaining about offensive jokes when you ended up here. You had to click that section on purpose, right? If you can't take it, piss the fuck off... If I'd be gay and I'd look up gay jokes and get offended... how stupid is that?
FIRST DATE
Man: "I work with animals every day." Woman: "Oh, how sweet! What is it that you do?" Man: "I'm a butcher..."
