My aunt's star sign was cancer, so it's pretty ironic how she died...
She was eaten by a giant crab
What's worse than having an honorary degree from Harvard? Being homeless and having an honorary degree from Harvard.
I'm funny but sad, I submit jokes you'll love. Look for my name in jokes you've read. Anyway.
What did the man with no hands get for his birthday? Gloves. Just kidding, he didn't have the chance to open the gifts.
Hey, wanna hear a joke?
Yeah, me too.
I'm the joke, bitch.
Teacher: "You can't be here after school without a parent!"
Orphan: -no response-
Ha! It asked me to submit a joke, but then I realized I'm the joke.
Why was the Chinese laundry joke not funny? It had no irony.
If a person in a wheelchair runs you over, can you call it a "hit and can't run"?
Do you want to buy my Hoover?
I mean... it's just collecting dust.
My girlfriend's last words:
"I can’t wait to become a mom!"
Man, choking on sugar seems like the sweetest way to die.
My father said I'm too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite, and unplugged his life support.
I went to the shooting range the other day. After a while, I realized I was the only one there. So, I decided to go home and saw on the news that there was a mass school shooting and there were reporters on the scene. Man, I knew I should have stayed around a little longer.
I remember my grandfather's last words: "Is that loaded?"
I heard a joke about heavy metal earlier. It was pretty ironic.
You know those paper families you cut out?
Well, I put one of those in an orphanage.
My true hero is the person who killed Hitler.
So, a guy walks into a bar, and he tells the bartender, "After this last drink, I'm going to the roof to kill myself." A guy sitting next to him says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." in which the man replies, "Oh yeah?" So, they both take their shots and go up to the roof. The guy says, "You're not gonna die, watch this!" He jumps off the roof and comes back up. The man rubs his eyes and tells him to go it again. He comes down and comes back up. The man says, "Cool, let me try!" and he jumps down only to kill himself. The guy goes back to the bar, and the bartender says, "Superman, you're an asshole."
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket: you can hide, but you can’t run.
