Irony jokes

*on a date*

me - "I get to work with animals all day."

her - "How sweet! What do you do?"

me - "I'm a butcher."

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note... it's a start...

My friends used to poke me at weddings and say, "You're next."

So I started poking them at funerals and saying, "You're next" to my friends.

I invented a new word today.

Plagiarism.

Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site."

To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.

I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world." Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

My aunt's star sign was Cancer, pretty ironic how she died.

She was eaten by a giant crab.