A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, "If you're happy and you know it..."
The room was full of arm amputees.
My memes are ironic, but my depression is chronic.
Recently I've found out my wife has been cheating on me for the past 3 weeks with a baker down town in Manhattan, New York thinking I wouldn't find out. Irony of it all, she received a yeast infection.
In a cruel twist of irony, Stephen Hawking's favorite song was "I've Got the Power."
Why did lil Susie fall off the swing? She didn’t have any arms.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Not lil Susie.
*on a date*
me - "I get to work with animals all day."
her - "How sweet! What do you do?"
me - "I'm a butcher."
I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note... it's a start...
My friends used to poke me at weddings and say, "You're next."
So I started poking them at funerals and saying, "You're next" to my friends.
I invented a new word today.
Plagiarism.
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site."
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world." Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
My aunt's star sign was Cancer, pretty ironic how she died.
She was eaten by a giant crab.
