INS jokes
What do Nemo and Emily's dad have in common? They both can't be found.
If 6 is scared of 7 because 7 8 9, why is ten scared? Because it is in the middle of 9/11.
So, three daughters were sitting in the same room as their mother. The first daughter asked why she was named Daisy. So, the mother replies, "Because when we were taking you out of the hospital, a daisy landed on your forehead." The second daughter asked why she was named Rose. So, the mother explained, "Same as Daisy, when we were taking you out of the hospital, a rose petal landed on your forehead." The third daughter then said "ksvrjxbdkavdowbxksb," so the mother said, "Shut up, Brick!"
What’s red and goes 100 miles per hour?
Babies in a blender.
You really put the R in special.
What’s the difference between a Mercedes and a Skoda?
Princess Di wouldn’t be seen dead in the back of a Skoda...
What gets hard when tugged and fits perfectly in between boobs... A seatbelt.
A little known rule: You cannot be circumcised if you are running for political office in the US.
You need to be a complete dick.
Do depressed people hate swimming?
They hate it because they are already drowning in their depression, but they love it because it might make all their dreams come true.
When you hear your mom’s car pull in the driveway and you remember that she told you to take the chicken out of the freezer 7 hours ago.
Twinkle, twinkle, there’s a car Coming like a shooting star.
I will stand in the way. I will not be seen again. Are you happy I am dead? Now you made it to the end.
A little boy and a little girl were taking a bath.
The little girl looked down and said, "What's that?"
"That's my little red sports car," said the little boy.
The little boy looked down and said, "What's that?"
"That's my little red sports car garage," said the little girl.
A few seconds later, the little girl said, "How about you put your little red sports car in my little red sports car garage?"
"Sure," said the little boy.
The little boy's mother was downstairs and heard this blood curdling scream. She ran upstairs. Once she got there, she saw blood all over the bathtub. "What happened?!" she said.
"Well, Johnny tried to put his little red sports car in my little red sports car garage...but it didn't fit...so I cut the back wheels off..."
Friends are very important. I have lots of friends in very high places. I hope the police can talk them down!
What do you call a person with Down syndrome in a bathtub?
Vegetable soup.
WARNING: READ THIS JOKE ALOUD!
Was it the pills that stopped his coughing, or was it the coffin they carried him off in?
Why can't orphans sleep? Nobody can tuck them in.
I give props to pedophiles.
They always go slow in the school zones.
What do you do if your dishwasher stops working?
Punch her in the face and remind her of her duties.
Yo mama's so poor, I knocked on the front door of her house and realized I was already outside in her backyard!
What do you call a bunch of bald paki in a swimming pool? Coco pops.